Archive for 2009

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Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Dumb

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(I was working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walked up.)

Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

Me: “What–why?!”

Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot…like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

Me: “…”

Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

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No Tickey, No Watchey

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(I work in the billing department for a cable company. One day I took the following call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hi, I need you turn my cable back on so I can watch the fight this weekend.”

Me: “OK, if I could get your phone number, I’ll bring up your account and see what’s up.”

(I proceed to bring up his account, and notice he had been installed 6 months ago, and had not once paid his bill.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that we can’t turn anything back on for your account until there has been a payment made.”

Customer: “No, that’s not the agreement. I need to watch the fight this weekend, my boys are coming over.”

Me: “That’s all well and good, but you owe us over two thousand dollars for charges, pay per view and equipment. Nothing can be done until you are up to date on payment.”


Me: “Sir, you obviously don’t understand how this works. We provide a service, and in return you pay a monthly fee. This is where we’re at; nothing can be done until you pay your balance.”


Me: “I think you forgot that we supply your internet as well. It won’t be reconnected until you pay your bill.”

Putting the Dumb In Wisdom

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(I’m at my university’s computer help desk and have just fixed a problem on a student’s laptop.)

Me, to student: “…okay, that should get you online.”

Student: “Great, thanks!”

(A random student passes by, seeing the laptop.)

Random passerby: “Wow! That laptop is huge!”

Me: “Erm…”

Random passerby: “I bet you could use it as a weapon to smash someone’s head in!”

Me: “Uhh…”

Student: “Erm…”

Random passerby: *walks off*

Me, to student: “Well, I bet you didn’t know THAT about your laptop.”

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A Dawning Realization Of One’s Dimness

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Me: “Okay, that will be $5.93 for the cigarettes.”

(The customer hands me a five dollar bill, puts the cigarettes in her pocket and starts walking off.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you didn’t give me enough money. You only gave me $5 and the total was $5.93.”

Customer: “Yeah, I gave you five.” *points at the money*

Me: “Yes, but the total is five dollars and ninety-three cents.”

Customer: *angrily* “Yeah, I gave you five dollars!”

Me: “It’s not enough. I need about a dollar more. Would you like to get something different or cheaper maybe?”

Customer: “No, I want this one!”

Me: “Well, I can’t sell these to you when you don’t have enough to pay for it.”

Customer: “Well, what am I gonna do?”

Me: “Go home and get more money?”

(Her expression suddenly brightens.)

Customer: “Oh! Yeah, okay! I’ll go do that I’ll be right back!” *gives cigarettes back and leaves cheerily*

Eternal Persistence Is The Price Of Coffee Or Tea

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Customer: “Excuse me, can I get some coffee?”

Me: “Sure, decaf or regular?”

Customer: ¬†”Oh! Sugar too, please!”

Me: “Not a problem. Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “None of that sweet and low stuff. Real sugar!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Oh, and milk, too!”

Me: “Absolutely. Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “But not skim, or whole, or 2%. You got any half and half?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Good!”

Me: “Right. Coffee with sugar and half and half. Do you want decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Make sure there’s not too much milk. Gotta be a bit strong.”

Me: “Right. Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Oh, and lots of sugar! I like it sweet… but not too much milk!”

Me: “Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Oh, bring out some extra sugar, would you? Just in case.”

Me: *gives up* “Okay, one decaf coffee, half and half, extra sugar?”

Customer: “No, REGULAR! Geez, I swear… people just don’t pay attention anymore!”

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