(I am stocking our stationery section, and a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “Do you sell condolence cards?”

Me: “No. Perhaps try Target or Walmart?”

Customer: “I’m looking for them in bulk.”

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to close my account.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but I can assist you with that right here. May I ask why you’re closing your account today?”

Customer: “What? You don’t know?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t.”

Customer: “It’s the Armageddon!”

Me: “Uh, well, okay, ma’am. I’ll get your account closed right away… Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “Watch your back, young lady! You’ll see! The Armageddon’s coming, make no mistake!” *hangs up*

This story is part of our crazy customer conspiracy theorists roundup!

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Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. How many books of these stamps?”

(As I ask the customer this, “Yellow Submarine” by the Beatles begins playing on a nearby radio.)

Lady: “Oh, my gosh! I love this song!”

Me: “That’s great. Now, how many books of–”

Lady: *begins to dance towards the door*

Me: “Uh, okay, ma’am, don’t forget your–”

Lady: *dances out of post office, leaving her purse on the table and the rest of the customers confused*

Me: “All right, so, what browser are you using to view your websites?”

Customer: “Mozzarella Firefox!”

This story is part of the Old-Technology roundup!

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(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two-year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

Little Girl: “Robert!”

Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

Little Girl: “Dammitjulia!”

(“Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)