(I work in a hospital.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”

Patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a cardiac diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer; otherwise, I could lose my job.”

Patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Help! Please, God, help!”

Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

Me: “Calm down… The police are well on the way as we are talking.”

Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh, my God, why me?”

Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

Caller: “Yeah. I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… He’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell and ask what he wants?”

Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

Pizza Guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

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(I had activated a phone for a new customer with a standard two-year agreement. The next day, she comes back into the store, clearly irritated.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back. How is your new phone working?”

Customer: “You messed up my contract. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Okay, what is the problem with your contract?”

Customer: “You said I had a two-year contract, but on this paperwork, it says 24 months. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing wrong with the contract.”

Customer: “Yes, there is. You said two years and this says 24 months!”

Me: “Ma’am… how many months are in a year?”

Customer: “Twel–oh…well, now I feel stupid!”

Tourist: “Lady, how about we make a deal? I wanna buy this bottle from you.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. We only have four of the blue ones and they’re not for sale.”

Tourist: “So you’re telling me I can’t buy this?”

Me: “Yes… I know it’s a nice bottle, but we do need it for the water.”

Tourist: “Lady, I don’t think you understand what I’m getting at.”

(The tourist pulls a wad of US money from his wallet.)

Tourist: “I got REAL money here!”

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Me: *on the phone* “[College] Admissions, this is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello. A man called me from your office yesterday. Can you tell me who that was?”

Me: “Well, there are a number of men who work in our office. Do you remember his name?”

Caller: “It was a man.”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am. However, there are five men in our office who could have called you.”

Caller: “Can you list them for me?”

(I proceed to list the males who work in our office.)

Caller: “No, those don’t sound right.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those are the only men who work in this office.”

Caller: “It was a man!”

Me: “Yes, I understand. However, I can’t help you unless you know any more details. Can you tell me what the call was regarding?”

Caller: “It was a man! That’s all I know! Please transfer me to the man who called me! You should be able to know who called me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t track calls that go out. That’s a privacy issue. However, if you could just give me some details…”

Caller: “My son’s name is [Name]. Why can’t you figure out who called me?!”

(I proceed to look up the counselor responsible for her son’s area of the country.)

Me: “All right, I have the name of the man right here. Would you like me to transfer you?”

Caller: “No, it’s all right. I’ll call him myself.” *hangs up*