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Home Of The Disclaimer

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Customer: “…and I’d like extra tomatoes on my sandwich, please.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be [price].”

Customer: “Why is it so expensive?!”

Me: “Well ma’am, you asked for cheese, bacon, and extra tomatoes. All those cost extra on the sandwich because they’re expensive products.”

Customer: “But your policy says that I can have it my way! Why am I being charged?!”

Me: “You can have it your way…you just have to pay for it.”

Thanks For Shopping At Quadruped, Inc.

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(I witnessed this interaction between a girl and her dad.)

Dad: “Are you as picky about your toilet paper as your ex-step mom was?”

Girl: “No, not really.”

Dad: “OK, grab one of those then.”

(The girl reaches for a pack that’s on its side.)

Dad: “No, no, not that one. I want one that hasn’t been touched by human hands!”

Girl: “Are you saying the store employees aren’t human?”

Dad: “Well, you’ve seen them…you be the judge.”

(I had to walk off so they wouldn’t hear me laughing.)

Protection Against The Inevitable


(A pregnant teenage girl walks in with her mom and boyfriend.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I get my tongue pierced?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you are pregnant, right?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “We can’t pierce anybody that’s pregnant, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, any slight infection in your tongue could hurt your unborn child.”

Customer: “But that’s only if it gets infected, right?”

Fairweather Friendships

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Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories

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(A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)

Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”

Me: “Sure”.

(I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)

Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”

(I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)

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