Archive for 2009

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The Featherweight Watchers Program

| Richmond, VA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I need to get a new box of this…” *hands me a box of bird seed*

Me: “Sure, was there a problem with it?”

Customer: “Yeah, it was messy. I had to keep picking through sticks to get to the good stuff.”

Me: “Wait, were you eating this? ”

Customer: “Uh-huh, just now, in my car. It’s good, but I had to keep picking through the sticks.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is actually bird seed. ”

Customer: “Oh, is it? Well, it’s pretty good. It just has a lot of sticks in it.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m a little worried that this might be dangerous for consumption by humans, so if you’ll hang on a minute, let me call someone.”

(I call Poison Control and they tell me she will be fine. The only problem is that the bird seed would have a high fat content. I relay this to the customer.)

Customer: “Oh. Well, if it’s high in calories, I don’t want it!”

The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers

| Midwest USA | Uncategorized

(I work in a clinic where we test drugs on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)

Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*

Participant: “Can I put them on now?”

Me: “Sure.”

Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”

Me: “…to build muscle?”

Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”

Almost As Dangeroos As The Jackalopes

Montana, USA | Uncategorized

Park visitor: “Excuse me, sir. I was wondering about where I could see deer in this park.”

Me: “Just about anywhere.”

Park visitor: “And what about the dangeroos?”

Me: “The what?!”

Park visitor: “The dangeroos. Where should I go for those?”

Me: “I don’t think we have dangeroos. In fact, I don’t think that’s even a word.”

(The visitor pulls out a yellow information sheet. Everyone who enters National Parks receives one at the entrance.)

Park visitor: *pointing at sheet* “Right here. It says, ‘Bears are dangeroos’. I thought that was a type of bear you had here.”

Related:
Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Jackalopes Roam