(One day at the fitness club I manage, I am called to the front desk of our gym to answer a question for a member.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Fitness Club]. Can I help you?”

Gym Member: “Yes, I was wondering if you can teach me to do what they are doing?”

(The customer gestures to our pool, which has been emptied due to a crack, and has several repairmen on the floor trying to fix it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Teach you to do what?”

Gym Member: “To walk on the bottom of the pool like that.”

Me: “Sir, those gentlemen are repairmen. They are fixing a crack in the pool floor.”

Gym Member: “Oh, so you have to be a repairman to learn how to walk underwater like that?!”

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Me: “Tech support, how may I help you?”

Caller: “I have to pay this fee and I need to get to y’all’s website.”

Me: “Sure, our address is [website URL].”

Caller: “I don’t want your address. I want to know where to go on my computer.”

Me: “Sir, that’s the address of our site. All you need to do is type it in your browser’s address bar.”

Caller: “Oh, so do I stick that in my Google?”

(I’m ringing up a fairly high-end video card for a customer.)

Me: “That’ll be $211.98 please…”

Customer: “But the display showed it as $49.99.”

Me: “Are you sure it was this card? This is a fairly new card.”

Customer: “Yes, I picked it up, and it says the price is $49.99 below it.”

Me: “Can you show me?”

(We walk over to the video cards, and he shows me where he picked it up from. The shelf is marked $49.99, and it is the same manufacturer. However, it is a lower-end card than the one he is holding.)

Customer: “See, $49.99!”

Me: “Sir, that price is not for that video card. You’re holding this one…”

(I point to another shelf with the video card he picked up; it’s priced at $199.99.)

Customer: “Well, it was on this shelf, so it was advertised at this price and you have to sell it to me for that.”

Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion, sir, but sometimes customers pick things up and then don’t return them to their proper location.”

Customer: “That’s not my fault! It was on this shelf, so you should sell it to me for $49.99.”

Me: “Sir, how do I know it wasn’t you who put it on that shelf? Or for that matter, that it was on that shelf at all?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “So, do you want the $49.99 one instead?”

Customer: *defeated* “Yeah…”

(A pregnant teenage girl walks in with her mom and boyfriend.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I get my tongue pierced?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you are pregnant, right?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “We can’t pierce anybody that’s pregnant, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, any slight infection in your tongue could hurt your unborn child.”

Customer: “But that’s only if it gets infected, right?”

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Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

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