Customer: “Hey, you guys shouldn’t have this DVD on the shelf! It’s very inappropriate!”

(The customer hands me a copy of “Jesus Christ: Superstar”.)

Me: “What’s so bad about it?”

Customer: “It is inappropriate to portray the son of God like this! He is not a rockstar!”

Me: “Okay. Well, you can submit a complaint with our corporate office, because I can’t control what gets put on our shelves.”

Customer: “Okay, well, I’m definitely adding in the fact that this DVD was horribly placed!”

Me: “Where was it?”

Customer: “It was on the floor! The son of God should not be on the floor!”

This story is part of our Biblically Bonkers roundup!

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(I am working at the library reference desk. A teen patron approaches.)

Me: “Hi! What can I help you with?”

Customer: *looking away and fiddling with his hair* “Um… do you smoke pot?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Customer: “See… there’s, like, this test right? And I’m not gonna be able to pass it, so can I like… um… buy your pee?”

Me: “No. That’s not a service we provide here.”

Customer: *slouches off*

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Me: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “Do you have this product here?” *points to a video game in our ad*

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Just take that aisle down here and turn right. Near the doors are the video games.”

Customer: “Oh, all right! Thank you.”

(Shortly after, I get a call about TVs so head towards that section. After helping another guest out, the first guest shows up.)

Me: “Hello again, ma’am! Want me to show you where that game is you were looking for?”

Customer: “How did you do that?”

Me: “Do what, ma’am?”

Customer: “How did you appear like that? Magic?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I just–”

Customer: “It’s magic! You kids and your devil ways!”

Me: “I promise it’s not magic, ma’am. I just took a shortcut.”

Customer: “Through Hell! Demon!” *storms out*

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Customer: “My phone is broken, but it’s only two months old. I need a replacement.”

Me: “If your phone is less than three months old, I can give you a replacement today. Just let me have a look at it.”

Customer: “Why do you need to see it? It doesn’t work, and I was told if it broke within three months I get a new phone straight away.”

Me: “That’s right, but there are conditions, one being that the phone can’t have any liquid or physical damage. I need to check for that.”

Customer: “Fine, here.”

(When I open up the phone, it stinks of alcohol.)

Me: “Sorry, this smells like it has alcohol on it.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I dropped it in the sink and I know you won’t fix it if it has water damage, but I didn’t have any ethylated spirits, so I soaked it in vodka for two days to dry it out.”

Me: “You’ve just ruined your phone, and now I can’t give you another one.”

Customer: “What?! This is ridiculous! You should be more specific when you sell phones! You need to tell people that they can’t soak it in vodka!”

Customer: “My goodness, this line is crazy! I’ve been in line ten minutes already! Why aren’t there more employees assisting us? Who is the manager here?”

Me: “Sir, I apologize for the delay. Due to the snow, I’ve had multiple employees call in saying they are unable to safely come to work this morning.”

Customer: “Well, that is just ridiculous! So an employee can decide that they don’t have to show up for work?”

Me: “If an employee feels they cannot safely report to work during severe weather conditions, we ask that they make their personal safety their primary concern.”

Customer: “Must be nice! You can just call and pretend to be concerned for your personal safety and then just take the day off? Makes you wonder what you people would do if you ever got a real job! It’s a good thing this isn’t making me late for my job today.”

(I seize on the opportunity and try to change the subject.)

Me: “Yes, I notice you’re in rather later than normal this morning. Are you on vacation?”

Customer: “No! I have the day off! My office is closed!”

Me: “Oh, how nice! Any particular reason you are closed today?”

Customer: “Duh, the snow! Maybe you’ve noticed it? Are you blind or just stupid?!”

This story is part of our Ironic Customer roundup!

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