(A young woman wanders up to the bridal registry counter, her eyes and mouth wide open in amazement. She is alone – no cell phone or BlueTooth headset in sight.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Wow! You know why I’m here?!”

Me: “…I don’t know why you’re here, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

Customer: *aside* “HOLD ON MOM!” *to me* “I need Emily’s registry.”

Me: “I have more than one Emily in the system… do you know her last name or the groom’s name?”

Customer: “More than one Emily? WOW! His name is Rocco!”

Me: “I don’t have an Emily and a Rocco….”

(The customer grabs my computer screen so she can see, and points at an e-mail address on the screen.)

Customer: “Rockinred@***.com – THAT’S HIM!!”

Me: “That’s his e-mail address, not his name. His name is Richard.”

Customer: “THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL HIM! HOLD ON, MOM!”

Me: “Okay, he goes by his e-mail address. That’ll be right up for you.”

(Customer wanders off, staring at nearby shiny objects.)

Customer: “I need a biography of Benjamin Franklin.”

Me: *I take him to the history section* “Here’s his autobiography.”

Customer: “That means he wrote it himself, right?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: *eyes widening* “They could do that back then?”

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(I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”

Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will stripes magically appear?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”

(A woman comes up to me at the customer service desk with a piece of paper that has [Bike Brand] and a bunch of numbers written on it.)

Me: “How can I be of service to you today?”

Customer: “I need to return my bike.”

Me: “All right, is there anything wrong with it? And do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have a receipt, but here’s the bike number. And yes, I went to a professional bike repair guy who told me that all the spokes are rusted, and it would cost $50 to replace.”

Me: “Okay, we don’t return bikes in a ‘used’ state, only ‘new.’ But we do repair them.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t return bikes? The spokes are all rusted!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s just how the company policy is.”

Customer: “Can YOU repair it, right now?”

Me: “No; we have someone come here a couple of times a week to do the repairs.”

Customer: “Well, I need this bike now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we only do repairs. The guy will be here Tuesday.”

(I look around for her bike…)

Me: “So… where is the bike? So I can put the repair label on it?”

Customer: “What do you mean? I don’t have it with me now! I can’t ride the bike here! And it doesn’t fit in my car!”

Me: “Well… I need the bike here to do returns and repairs, accompanied by a receipt.”

Customer: “I need a receipt, too?!”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *storms out*

This story is part of our Bicycle roundup!

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(A customer has purchased a few items and is double-checking her receipt after the transaction went through. She has a membership card at the store, so she got a 10% discount.)

Customer: “So I got my discount on this?”

Me: “Yep. See there on each item, it says ‘Member 10%,’ and it shows what you saved.”

Customer: “Wait… is it 10% off each item, or 10% off the total?”

Me: “10% off the total. Well, it works out the same either way.”

Customer: “I thought it was supposed to be 10% off each item. I should be getting a bigger discount on the total.”

Me: “No, you got your discount! 10% off each item adds up to the same amount as 10% off the total.”

Customer: “No, I got 10% off the first item. Then 10% off the second item, so that’s 20%. And 10% off the third item; that’s 30%!”

Me: *pause* “No, that’s… that’s not how percentages work… I can show you on a calculator; it works out the same. You are getting the right discount.”

Customer: “No, it’s all right. But I know I won’t be getting this card again. I was told I was going to be getting a 10% discount on each item, and this really isn’t fair.”

(Maybe I should have mentioned to her that I’m a math major…)