Customer: *marches to the front desk with her young granddaughter* “Hello, dear. Are you in charge here?”

Me: “Well, I’m in charge of the front desk. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to purchase a dog for my granddaughter.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, this is a kennel.”

Customer: “I’m aware of that! I just want to buy a dog for my granddaughter; she wants a pug.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t sell the animals here. We take care of dogs and cats for their owners.”

Customer: “What? You do all the work for those lazy sons of b****es?”

Me: “Um… no. The kennel takes in dogs and cats for owners when they go away for vacation or business. When they come back, they take their pets back. It’s like daycare.”

Customer: “I don’t think you understand me, boy. I told my granddaughter we were coming here to get her a dog, and you will get her a d*** dog!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but like I said before, we do not sell the dogs we keep. They are other people’s pets.”

Customer: “Goodness!” *pause* “Can I have a cat, then?”

Me: “Ma’am, does your granddaughter go to daycare?”

Customer: “Yes, but that is irrel–”

Me: “How would you like it if I went to your granddaughter’s daycare and bought her off?”

Customer: *storms off*

(I am working in the reptile department and I often get questions about the snakes.)

Customer: “What do you feed these snakes?”

Me: “Those snakes? Usually feeder mice.”

Customer: “You feed them live mice?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what they eat.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you think that’s cruel?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Can’t you feed them a vegetarian diet?”

Me: “No, they need to eat a diet similar to what they would naturally eat in the wild.”

Customer: “Well, I think that’s just awful. They should be able to survive on vegetables.”

Me: “I’m sorry…  You’ll have to talk to God about that one.”

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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Customer: *on his cell phone, handing me a list* “I need all of these items.”

Me: “Okay, let me just get someone to help you.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just do it?”

Me: “I can’t leave the register.”

Customer: *shouting now* “I’M A VERY BUSY MAN!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot leave the register. Let me just call someone for you.”

Customer: “HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE EXPECT TO RUN A BUSINESS! I NEED MY STUFF!”

Me: *on phone* “Could I have someone come up and help a customer please?”

Customer: *screaming over my phone call* “JUST GIVE ME MY D*** ITEMS! I NEED THEM!”

Me: “Someone is on their way to help you, sir.”

Customer: “I needed these items two hours ago; I couldn’t get here until now. My time is being wasted; MY TIME IS PRECIOUS!”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you, scooter. Learn to manage your time better.”

This story is part of the Impatient Customers roundup!

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Read the Impatient Customers roundup!

(90% of the calls the bookstore receives are to ask our hours, check stock, or to ask when a book will be released. With that in mind, the phone rings one afternoon.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bookstore], how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to know a release date.”

Me: “Sure, what is the title?”

Customer: *gives a strange number, not the type bookstores use*

Me: “What? Is that a title?”

(The customer gives the number again, and I am not finding anything like it in the computer database.)

Me: “I don’t know what you mean.”

Customer: “A release date! I need to know when my son will be released.”

(It’s then that I realize she means Booking, not Books.)

Me: “Uh, we’re a book store.”

Customer: “What number is this?”

Me: *gives the store phone number*

Customer: “I didn’t call that number.” *hangs up*

(I work in a call center where we take reservations for a Christmas event.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “My wife has a severe phobia of m*dgets. Will the elves be actual little people?”

Me: “The people dressed as elves are normal-sized, but I can’t guarantee any of the patrons won’t be little people.”