(Note: We are two blocks away from the beach.)

Customer: “Your lanes are crooked.”

Me: “Sir, I assure you they are not crooked; we have lane inspectors that come in every eight weeks and check for that kind of thing.”

Customer: “No! MY LANE IS CROOKED! Every time I bowl, the ball goes to the right!”

Me: *glancing at the clock* “Well, you know, it’s about 1:30. The tide is coming in.”

Customer: “That has an effect on it?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I mean, we’re only a few blocks from the beach…”

Customer: “Huh… well, I guess I’ll try to bowl more towards the left, then…”

(I was a customer observing this exchange.)

Customer: *picks up an apple and takes a large bite out of it*

Employee: “Sir, what are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m sampling an apple to make sure it’s not mealy. The last apples I got here were all mealy.”

Employee: “Er… it’s generally not a very good idea to do that… those aren’t washed.”

Customer: *sets the apple back down* “YOU DON’T WASH THEM?! Don’t you know you can spread dysentery?!”

Employee: “They’re washed before they come in here, but we can’t wash them on the shelf. And sir, you have to pay for that.”

Customer: “F*** that! I’m not paying for something that’ll give me dysentery!”

Employee: “We can’t sell an apple that has a HUGE BITE taken out of it!”

Customer: *stomps off*

Customer #2: *observing nearby “Someone should tell him, ‘You have died of dysentery.'”

(I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month, one of our mentors listens to our calls to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)

Me: “Welcome to Tech Support; you’re talking to [My Name].”

Customer: “Hi, my name is [Customer] and I work at [Bank]. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.”

Customer: “Oh, okay… It says, ‘Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight saving time.’ What do I do?!”

Me: “Er… is there a button that says, ‘OK’?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you tell me what happens when you click the ‘OK’ button?”

Customer: “Oh, thank you very much! You’re a lifesaver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!” *hangs up*

Me: “…you’re welcome?”

Mentor: *after listening in* “You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank… the same person I entrust my life savings to.”

This story is part of our Daylight Saving Time roundup!

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Read the Daylight Saving Time roundup!

Me: “Thank you for calling [Fast Food Place]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I ordered some food and I need a refund.”

Me: “Of course; can you please explain what the matter with your food was?”

Customer: “Well, I drove it home and put it on the counter. My husband asked me to help him rake up some leaves. When I got back in, the dog had gotten up on the counter and eaten everything.”

Me: “You want me to replace the food your dog ate?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “…”

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

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(I am working in the reptile department and I often get questions about the snakes.)

Customer: “What do you feed these snakes?”

Me: “Those snakes? Usually feeder mice.”

Customer: “You feed them live mice?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what they eat.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you think that’s cruel?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Can’t you feed them a vegetarian diet?”

Me: “No, they need to eat a diet similar to what they would naturally eat in the wild.”

Customer: “Well, I think that’s just awful. They should be able to survive on vegetables.”

Me: “I’m sorry…  You’ll have to talk to God about that one.”

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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