(The office downstairs sometimes calls up to us for tech support. They’re not too great with computers.)

Guy: *from downstairs* “I think one of the computers has a virus.”

Me: “Okay, which one?”

Guy: “The one in the middle of the office.”

(This seems strange, as I remember that they don’t have any computers in the middle of the room.)

Me: “Have you moved the computers recently?”

Guy: “Yeah, we put it in the middle of the office so the other computers wouldn’t catch the virus!”

(I went downstairs and a disconnected desktop stands in all its glory in the middle of the room. It didn’t have a virus.)

(At a “compound” for a “New Age” cult, we needed to replace the pump in their well. In order to get our truck close enough to the well we had to have them move one of their vehicles.)

Me: “Excuse me, I’m going to need you to move that suburban over there.”

Lady: “Okay, no problem.”

(She goes outside and yells at one of her people working on the yard.)

Lady: “Jebediah, could you please get the keys and move the Starship?”

Jebediah: “Sure thing!”

(We had a notice from one of the Nevada affiliates that Las Vegas residents would be suffering from a network outage due to a problem with their broadcasting equipment.)

Customer: “I think someone is standing next to your satellite with a ham radio. You need to run out and get them to stop.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that’s not the problem–”

Customer: “I will have you know, son, I am a Gunnery Sergeant. I’ve worked with hand-operated radios for years and I’m telling you RIGHT NOW…there is someone standing next to your satellite with a d*** radio and it’s interfering with my signal. I demand you to get out there and tell them to stop.”

Me: “Far be it from me to ever argue with my clients, but I will have to at this time. I understand that you’re a Gunny Sergeant and that you’ve operated ham radios for years, but I know my satellite equipment, and it’s not possible for someone to be standing next to my satellite with a radio.”

Customer: “Oh? Really, smart man? Why is that?”

Me: “Because our satellites are in outer space. Furthermore, Las Vegas has an outage going on due to a technical issue with their broadcasting equipment.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

*click*

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Man: *in a terrible French accent* “Ha-ha! I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit!”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Man: “May the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit get these for free?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Man: “Why not? I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit! I should always get them for free!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give these to you for free. Two dollars.”

Man: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “Because I could lose my job.”

(The man growls, and sluggishly hands over two dollars.)

Man: “The Butterfinger Crisp Bandit should not have to pay, but he will… this time…”

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Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Great–any book in particular, or a specific genre? We’ve got a large selection, and are able to order almost any book from our warehouse if we don’t have it in stock.”

Customer: “I just saw it on TV this morning, and I knew it would change my life.”

Me: “Uh… okay, was it on Oprah?”

Customer: “No, it was on that other show.”

Me: “Okay, do you remember the title or author?”

Customer: “NO! IT WAS ON THE TV!”

Me: “It’s very difficult to look for a book without a title or author. Do you remember what it was about? Was it a religious book? We might be able to search the shelves.”

Customer: “IT WAS ON THE TV THIS MORNING! GEEZ!”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am. Can you give me anything that might help me help you find the book?”

Customer: “Where is the book? I’d know it if I saw it. It’s got a red cover.”

Me: “Well–tell you what. I’m not able to help you find it today, but feel free to look around.”

Customer: “Why can’t you help me? IT WAS ON TV! DON’T YOU PEOPLE WATCH TV?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work in a bookstore. I like to READ.”

Customer: “FINE! I’LL GO SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY KNOW WHAT I WANT!”

(The customer storms off as my manager comes out and tells me she’s glad that I handled that; we both break into laughter.)

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