Man: “I want to get a drink.”

Me: “Sure. We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

Man: “I’ll have an orange soda.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

Man: “I’ll take fruit punch.”

Me: “No, we only have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

Man: “Pink lemonade?”

Me: “It’s regular yellow. Is that okay?”

Man: “No, I’ll have the raspberry tea.”

Me: “It’s unsweetened.”

Man: “What kind of place is this?! Is there ANYTHING to drink here?”

Me: “YES! Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

Man: “I’ll just have a cup of ice.”

Me: “…”

(We are a specialist inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the $40,000 fee despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we are in the process of taking them to court to get payment. They are making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I get a phone call from their operations manager.)

Customer: “Ah, Mr. [My Name], we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?”

Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

Customer: “Please, Mr. [My Name], that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

Me: “What about our money?”

Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

Me: “Goodbye.”

Customer: “But what ab–” *click*

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

(Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her [Brand] TV.)

Me: “Yes, what about it?”

Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

Customer: “No lights come on. Is there a battery in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

(A few minutes later, she calls back.)

Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on… Hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says ‘Remove Before Using?’ Should I take that out?”

Me: *major facepalm* “Yes, ma’am. ”

Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

(Not surprisingly, the lady called back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

Me: “What kind of computer do you have?”

Customer: “It’s a Motorola.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “I said, it’s Motorola!”

Me: “Okay… are you running Windows?”

Customer: “NO, it’s Vista.”

Me: *long pause* “Oooh-kaaayyy…….”

(I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives, age, etc.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Man: “Well, like, for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your… Earth… information. It would be most relevant to us.”

Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

(The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name… Qinjax.)

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