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Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio

| | Right | May 17, 2008

Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them, you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butt hole.”

Customer: “Well up yours too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient “up yours” and get away with it!)

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Back In My Day, Everyone Had Herpes

| | Right | May 17, 2008

Cashier: “Hello.”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Um, why?”

Old Lady #2: “What is that on your tongue?”

Old Lady #1: “Is that the herpes?”

Cashier: *sticks out tongue and points to a pink tongue piercing* “This?”

Old Lady #1: “Yes, what is that?”

Cashier: “A tongue piercing.”

Old Lady #1: *looks to Old Lady #2* “Oh! We thought it was the herpes!”

Cashier: “Uh, no. Just a pink plastic piercing.”

Old Lady #2: “Oh good! I didn’t think they let people with STDs come to work!”

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Touché, Part Deux

| | Right | May 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you…I do apologize sir, your payment was received 15 days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see, can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately no, you have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee! I always pay on time!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your g** d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank nazi? Remove my fee!”

Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

(This went on for about 4-5 minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g** d*** mo**** f****** Visa card and shove it up your g** d*** mo**** fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry sir, my a** only accepts American Express.” *click*

 

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Shopping Amongst The Commoners

| | Right | May 16, 2008

Customer: “I’m here to pick up a book I ordered.”

Me: “Did you receive a card saying it was in?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Great, let me get it for you. What’s your last name?”

Customer: *gives last name*

Me: *goes to special order shelf, behind the cashwrap, to find the book*

Customer: *comes behind the cashwrap and looks too*

Me: “Sir, I need to ask you to step back in front of the registers. This is a secure area.”

Customer: *ignores, keeps looking*

Me: “Sir, please step back! We don’t allow customers in this area!”

Customer: *grumbles, steps back*

Me: *finds book, completes sale*

Customer: *leaves*

Coworker, laughing: “Do you know who that was?”

Me: “Well…he looked familiar.”

Coworker: “That was the governor! You just bossed the governor around!”

(I felt a little silly for not recognizing him, but he hadn’t been governor for long, had a common last name and looked like every other rich, entitled guy who ever came into the store.)

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Someone Needs Sensitivity Training

| | Right | May 16, 2008

(I’m at home, on Christmas Day with my family, eating dinner. Our number is similar to a floral shop in our town, so we’re constantly getting calls from customers.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “WHERE ARE MY FLOWERS?! I ORDERED MY FLOWERS FOR NOON ON CHRISTMAS DAY AND I DON’T HAVE THEM YET! WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE EVER DELIVER MY FLOWERS RIGHT?! LAST YEAR, I…”

(I predicted a whole novel’s worth of stories, so I figured I would cut in…)

Me: “Sir! This isn’t the floral shop, you have the wrong number. This is *my number* and you just interrupted our Christmas dinner.”

Caller: “WELL, F*** YOUR CHRISTMAS DINNER!” *click*

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