(Talking to a female customer…)

Me: “Do you see the ‘Local Area Connection’ icon?”

Customer: “Yes, I see your ‘Local Erection’.”

(Customer calls our department.)

Me: “Bath and Bedding Department…”

Customer: “Yes, do you guys carry sheets?”

Me: “Yes we do.”

Customer: “Do you carry king-sized sheets?”

Me: “Yes we do.”

Customer: “Do you have a lot of sheets?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We have a wide variety of sheets.”

Customer: “Good. I need you to put on hold for me a green set. Then again, put on hold a rose color too. Oh, and ivory and white. And some navy. I’ll be in to pick out what I want.”

Me: “But what kind of sheets? We have several brands and thread counts to choose from…”

Customer: “What is your name?”

Me: *gives her my name*

Customer: “Okay, I am going to come into your store and find you! Just be sure to get me those colors. I’ll be there in an hour!” *hangs up*

(Of course, she never showed up.)

(After being in the same little hut for 25 years we moved the key shop to a larger, inline store 120 feet away. After moving EVERYTHING except the counters to the new location I am in the old shop getting ready to lock it up until it is torn down.)

(A customer walks in and drops two keys on the counter.)

Customer: “Make me two of each.”

Me: “I am sorry, this location is closed… You have to go to the new key shop over there.”

Customer: “I’m not walking over there. I always get my keys here. Make me two of them.”

Me: “How?”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘How’?”

Me: “Well, there are no keys blanks on the wall, there are no key machines on the counter, there is no cash register. In fact, there are no light fixtures in the building, the air conditioner is gone, the signs are gone from the roof and the electricity is turned off. This is building is totally empty except for you and me. So how do you expect me to make you four keys?”

Customer: “Ah, where did you say I have to go?”

(I was going to get some milk out of a refrigerator while my coworker was taking an order at the drive-thru. Here is the conversation that took place.)

Coworker: “Okay, please pull up to the window.”

Customer: “IF YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL HIT YOU UP SIDE THE HEAD WITH A PAY PHONE!”

Me: *leaning out of the refrigerator* “Did she say…”

Coworker: “…a pay phone?”

(As far as we can guess, her child had said something to her and we just overheard her!)

Tech Support: “What software are you using to backup?

Customer: “Ms. Dos.”

(The customer spoke like it was a person, like Mr. Dos or Mrs. Dos.)

Tech Support: “What, are you just copying the files with the xcopy or copy command?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I use Ms. Backup for that!”