Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Come mow my lawn!”
Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”
Customer: “I said, come mow my lawn!”
Me: “I’m sorry, this is tech support. Are you having trouble with your cable TV or Internet?”
Customer: “I know who this is! I want you to mow my lawn! In the rain! I pay y’all enough every month, so you better come mow it!” *click*
Me: “…”
(I’m selling a camcorder to a man and his girlfriend. The guy is clueless about cameras and the girl knows a little bit more.)
Guy: “I don’t really know too much about cameras, she knows more than I do. I just want something good.”
Me: “Well this one is good because…” *explaining*
Guy: *to girl* “Honey, do you understand any of this?”
Girl: “Yeah, don’t worry. I think I know what we want.”
Guy: *to me* “Look, if you had to choose a camera to take naked pictures of her–” *points to girlfriend* “–which would you choose?”
Me: “Well… this one has a built-in hard drive so you can tape for longer without changing tapes.”
(The guy’s phone rings and he leaves me alone with his girlfriend.)
Girl: “Do you get that a lot?”
Me: “More than you would think.”
Me: “All right, ma’am. And may I have your zip code?”
Woman: “No.”
Me: “Well, it’s something I have to take. Don’t worry, we–”
Woman: “No!”
Me: “I, uh–”
Woman: “No! You’re not getting my zip code.”
Me: “Right. Because I’m going to TAKE that zip code and knock on the door of EVERY house in the code just to FIND YOU!”
(The customer left, but I felt a lot better.)
This story is part of our Perfect Comebacks roundup!
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Me: “Hi, I understand that you’re having problems with your delivery.”
Customer: “Yes, your stupid SOB driver won’t deliver to my apartment. I saw him through the window and thought he’d be right up, but he never came up.”
Me: “Ma’am, I see that you live in an apartment complex, is there a security code or call box on the gate that the driver would need to use to gain access to your complex?”
Customer: “There isn’t a call box or a gate code. The gates stay locked all day.”
Me: “Well, without a gate code or a call box at the gate, my driver can’t get through to your gate. Furthermore, if you saw him outside of the complex, why didn’t you go out to greet him?”
Customer: “That’s not my problem. I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment to get my package. It’s your job to deliver it to my door.”
Me: “Actually, it is your problem if you’d like to receive your package today.”
Customer: “You can’t speak to me like that! I demand to speak to your supervisor!
Me: “Ma’am, I am the supervisor. I also dispatch to the driver to reattempt delivery to your address.”
Customer: “I still don’t see why I have to do half of your job. You’re the delivery company.”
Me: “No problem, ma’am. We’ll bring it back to the building tonight and we’ll try it again tomorrow. If we can’t reach your door tomorrow, then we’ll try again a third time and after that, if it gets sent back to the shipper, you’ll have to address it with them.”
Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Fine! I’ll prop the gate open. It’s medication that I need today!”
Me: *looks in system — it’s Victoria Secret*
Did you find this story using our Postal Workers Workers roundup?
Customer: “So it says ‘message sent’… does that mean it’s been sent?”
Me: “Yep.”
Customer: “Oh okay. So they should receive that, then?”
Me: “Yep.”
Customer: “Okay. And I mean, if they received it, will they get back to me right away?”
Me: “Well, it depends how long it takes them.”
Customer: “Oh. So how do I know if it’s sent?”
Me: “It says ‘message sent’ on the screen.”
Customer: “Oh okay. So when should I expect a reply?”
Me: “…”
(Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time this routine has been carried out, with the same person.)
