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Of Course, If You Really Want To Pay …

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Hotel Guest: “So how does parking work at the hotel?”

Me: “Oh sir, parking is complimentary anywhere on site.”

Hotel Guest: “How much does it cost?”

Me: “It’s complimentary … It’s free …”

Must … Have … Chocolate … GraAAaawr!

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(It must be noted the ice cream shop I worked at was in a mall, so it was pretty tiny and limited.)

Customer: “I’d like a chocolate ice cream cone please.”

Me: “Sorry, we only have vanilla.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’d like a chocolate ice cream then.”

Me: *stares* “We only have VANILLA. I can drip it in chocolate for you though.”

Customer: “Ugh, gross! No thanks, I’ll go try McDonald’s.”

There’s Dumb, And Then There’s Scary Dumb

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Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “Yes, I’d like to buy tickets for Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party.”

Me: “Wonderful, when will you be attending?”

Woman: “Tonight.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, we actually have sold out for tonight’s event.”

Woman: “Oh, okay, I’ll just get tickets when I get to the park.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t have any tickets at all left. You won’t be able to purchase them at the park.”

Woman: “Right, you’re just sold out of advance tickets, that’s okay, I’ll just get them there.”

Me: “I’m so sorry ma’am, we are sold out of ALL tickets. That means there are NONE available when you get there.”

Woman: “But I can still go, right? I just won’t have a ticket?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t attend Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party without a ticket, and we do not have any tickets available.”

Woman: “Fine, I’ll get my tickets when I get to the park.”

A Pseudo-Existential Moment

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Technician: “Good morning, *** Technical Support.”

Caller: “Is this technical support?”

Technician: “Yes.”

Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”

Technician: (Confused) “What number did you phone in on?”

Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”

Technician: (Thoroughly confused) “It’s this number, it’s the number you’ve just dialed.”

Caller: “Thank you. Goodbye.”


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A Strong Case for Reproductive Licensing

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(I honestly can’t say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER)

Me: “Is there any chance you are pregnant?”

Patient: “No?”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Are you sexually active?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Do you still have periods?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Are you on birth control?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Do you use condoms?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

Patient: “No.”


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