Archive for 2007

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Damaged Goods, And We’re Not Talking Groceries

| | Right | November 12, 2007

(A coworker is bagging groceries as I ring them up)

Customer, to my bagger: “Wait! Don’t pack them like that! Honestly, it’s as if no one understands how to pack bags anymore!”

Coworker, looking down at a loaf of bread on top of some grapefruits in a paper bag: “How do you want them packed?”

Customer: “Clearly the bread needs to go on the bottom! I don’t want the grapefruits to get damaged; they’re fragile!”

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911 Grab Bag: Define “Emergency”

, | | Right | November 12, 2007

(The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line)

1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”

2. “My TV is out.”

3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”

4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”

5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”

6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”

7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”

8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my inlaws will be here in an hour.”

9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”

10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”

11. “Are crabs in season?”

12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”

13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”

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Act Like A Kid, Get Treated Like One

, | | Right | November 12, 2007

Me: “Welcome to Lickety Splits. What can I get you?”

Customer: “I’d like a twist on a sugar cone.”

Me: “I’m sorry we can only put soft serve on a wafer cone. Is that all right?”

Customer: “Yeah that’s fine.”

(She pays, and I give her the ice cream)

Customer: “What is this?!”

Me: “Your order, ma’am.”

Customer: “I ordered a sugar cone!” *throws her ice cream on the floor* “I demand my money back!”

Me: “If you want another ice cream I’ll give you one for free, just as long as you don’t throw another tantrum.”

Customer: *strangely calm* “Thank you.”

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Bitter Racism, Please Meet Sweet Irony

| | Right | November 12, 2007

*Customers runs in frantically*

Customer: “How much is y’all’s gas?”

Me: “It’s posted outside, $2.78 a gallon.”

Customer: “DAMN SAND NI**ERS ALWAYS HIKING UP GAS! I’M GOING DOWN THE STREET!”

*returns 10 minutes later*

Customer: “Let me get 10 on pump 3.”

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Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Jackalopes Roam

| | Right | November 11, 2007

Little boy: “What are those?”

Zookeeper: “That’s a Cavy.”

(Note: Cavies are another name for guinea pigs.)

Little boy’s father: “No they’re not. They’re Jack-a-lopes. But I don’t see any antlers, so they must all be does.”

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