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How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2

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(Note; electronic ignition keys sell for $25 to $90)

Customer: “I want to return this key. Here is the receipt.”

(The electronic key is worn from use; the receipt is 2 years old)

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, let me go out to your car and see what the problem is.”

Customer: “I sold that car.”

Me: “OK, but it looks like you’ve been using the key for a long time. It must have worked.”

Customer: “Well it did work, but I sold the car and I don’t need it anymore, so I want my money back.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry sir, but we sell keys; we do not rent them. When you sell the thing the keys fit in, you either give the keys to the new owner or toss them. And even if we did rent keys, the rent for two years would be more than the purchase cost–so actually you would owe us money.”

*customer runs out the door*

Making Excuses For A Lack Of Brain Cells

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Lady: “Okay, I’m all set.”

Me: *rings the draperies she wants up* “Okay, your total is $768.xx cents.”

Lady: “What?! Aren’t they on sale??”

Me: “No, only the pleated draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “What’s the difference? Why aren’t these ones on sale too?!

Lady’s husband: “What’s going on?”

Lady, now talking to her husband: “These panels aren’t on sale!!!”

Husband: “Oh…well how much does it come up to?”

Lady: “They come out to like $800 bucks.”

Husband: “Well…what do you wanna do?”

Lady: *sigh* “There are signs EVERYWHERE saying that these are on sale.”

Me: “No, there are signs everywhere saying that the PLEATED draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “But that entire room has signs! They all say they’re 20% off.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry to say, but all the signs in that room all say, ‘SALE: All Pleated Draperies 20% Off’. Want me to show you?”

Lady: “No it’s fine…whatever.”

*I finish ringing up the transaction*

Lady, while signing her receipt: “Ugh, it’s just misleading you know? There are literally a hundred signs in that room that say that the draperies are on sale.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry, but they do specify what kind of draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “Well I don’t buy draperies every day, so I don’t pay attention to stupid details like that!!!!”

Me: “Okay, well… I hope they work out for you, have a happy holiday.”

Shoulda Told Him To Do Jumping Jacks

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(I am in IT for large company, with multiple locations all over the Canada. I got a call from a business unit located in another province)

Customer on the phone: “Hi. My computer is not working.”

Me: “Okay. What’s your name…”

(After 5 minutes I got all the info I needed)

Me: “I‚Äôm sorry, I cannot remotely access your computer. I‚Äôll have to inform your local IT team to come and resolve this problem. It‚Äôs 6am in your location and IT starts at 7am. They will come and fix it in an hour.”

Customer: “No. This is critical. You come and fix it.”

Me: “I‚Äôm sorry, you probably do not realize that I‚Äôm located in Ontario and you are in British Columbia. I cannot come and fix it.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. You’ll come and fix it now?”

Me: “No, there are thousands of kilometers between us. I cannot come and help you.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. Production has stopped, so you come and fix it now.”

(At this point I have big dent in my office wall exactly matching shape of my head)

Me: “Okay, Sir. I‚Äôm coming to fix it. But I don‚Äôt know you, so to make it easier for me to recognize you please stand in the middle of the production area and raise both your hands so I can find you easily.”

Customer: “Okay, Okay.”

(I received no more calls from him–he’s probably still waiting for me with his hands raised over his head)