(An older lady comes into the store. She doesn’t know me, yet decides to make me intimately knowledgeable about her husband’s surgery. She eventually runs out of steam when I don’t respond and looks around at the books on the shelves.)

Lady: “I like books.”

Me: “Good! Anything you’re looking for?”

Lady: *ignores my question* “I saw on TV that books are good to have because they make your house look nice.”

Me: *barely stifling a smile* “Really? I heard they’re also good to read.”

(Evidently, my comment goes right over her head.)

Lady: “And you can use them to prop up the bed.”

(Her husband buys books and then swiftly escorts her out.)

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Lady: “Hi, I was wondering if I could return some rotten milk? Or get it replaced, or a refund or something.”

Me: “Well, when did you buy it?”

Lady: “A week ago.”

Me: “Okay, when did it expire?”

Lady: “Yesterday.”

Me: “So, you bought it before the expiration date, then it expired. Correct?”

Lady: “Um, yeah, I guess so…”

Me: “We can’t return that, then.”

Lady: “WHAT THE F***! ARE YOU F****** KIDDING ME?!”

Me: “Are you serious? You bought it before it expired, kept it until AFTER it expired, and now want to return it?”

Lady: “WELL YOU HAVE A NICE F****** DAY!”

Me: “You too, ma’am.”

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(A customer comes up behind my counter just as I am about to serve another customer.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but why isn’t this WA Salvage?”

Me: “Because all the WA Salvages closed down and we bought the building.”

Customer: “So where’s the nearest one?”

Me: “Uh, they’ve all been bought out.”

Customer I Was Serving: “Mate, there aren’t anymore. They all closed down!”

Customer: “So wheres the nearest one?”

(I gave him a bad look, turned around, and continued serving the original customer)

Customer #1: “Two for American Gangster. We have two free passes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that movie just opened today and it isn’t currently accepting passes. To use these I’ll have to charge you $1.50 upgrade per ticket.”

Customer #1: “That’s ridiculous. It doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

Me: *pointing to where it says that* “I’m sorry, sir, but it does. I’ll have to charge you the $3.”

Customer #2: “But we came early so we knew you wouldn’t sell out! Why can’t you just give it to us?”

Me: “I’m sorry but its a corporate policy. I cannot give anyone a free pass to this movie, not even employees. It’s not even an option on the computer.”

Customer #1: *mumbles under his breath while he reaches for his wallet*

Customer #2: “We shouldn’t have to pay $3 to see the movie! If there’s more than 25 people in there I’m going to report you to a manager!”

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(Working as a manager for a retail electronics business, I have a customer come in with a DVD player in a box, opened.)

Customer: “This DVD player doesn’t work. It won’t play my DVDs. Can I get an exchange?”

Me: “Well, let’s see if we can get it to work.”

(I take the DVD player over to the AV wall and quickly hook it up to our system. It takes under 30 seconds to do so, the customer in tow.)

Me: “Oh, here’s the problem. It seems that the disc somehow ended up upside down in the DVD player.”

(I flip the DVD over without even looking at the disc or anything and push it back in, turning back to the customer.)

Customer: “Oh, great! I knew something wasn’t quite ri–”

(Suddenly, coming up on all my TVs, blaring through the sound system that is usually playing a music DVD, comes blasting ‘Bow Chicka-Bow Bow!’ and a rather grotesque scene of cheesy p*rn. I think it is the fastest I have ever moved, because by the time the first customer turned around to see what was going on, I had the AV cables yanked.)

Customer: “Uh… That’s where that went! Heh…” *VERY sheepish look*

Me: “Okay, all fixed. Need me to help put this back in the box for you?”

Customer: “No, thanks. I can do it. Thank you for all your help.”

(I guess I wasn’t quick enough or just the sheer recognition of the music line, because I had two customers laughing very hard and one old lady who walked out very fast.)

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