Archive for 2007

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There’s A Nut, But It’s Not In The Pistachio

| Florida, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “What kind of nut is in the pistachio?”

Me: “…you can’t be serious.”

Customer: “No, really, what kind of nut is in the pistachio?”

Me: “Pistachio.”

She Uses The Google

| New York, USA | Top

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

Client: “Nothing big…just 2-4 pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It wont need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

Me: “Okay, well I would be glad to help you out…”

Client: *interrupts* “One catch though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in ‘Dog Grooming’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about 4 days, and it has to be on Google by then also.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer, in NY, you don’t need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, well then lets go with ‘local dog grooming’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

Me: “Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in 4 days and have it listed, by then, as the number 1 result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as ‘Local Dog Grooming’, but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site, and this is just the design and upload–this is not for the SEO you want–possibly…$250.”

Client: “That is ridiculous…I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399 and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

Client: “Well can you teach me?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to 4 years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dogs hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The sh*t people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*

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Next On Eyewitness News: The Jigsaw Puzzle Slave Trade

| Columbus, OH, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in an uppity part of town where are the e-shoppers come out of their yuppie caves to shop.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but I have a question.”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: *points at a popular movie puzzle with a picture of a child playing with said puzzle* “Is the kid on the box part of this puzzle?”

Me: “Um…what?”

Customer: “Well, if the kid is part of the puzzle, I don’t want it. He has nothing to do with this movie.”

(At this point I turned around and walked to the back room where she couldn’t get me.)