(I am a video editor, teleconferencing with a client about a commercial I edited for him.)

Client: “I don’t like the music you picked. Do you have anything else?”

Me: “The order said you wanted your jingle in the spot. It’s the one you had the radio stations send us…”

Client: *interrupts* “Yeah, yeah. We gotta have the jingle. I just don’t like the music that goes with it.”

Me: “So you want the jingle without the music?”

Client: “Yeah. And, like, can you take the singing out of there? Like, the music, too; can you just edit it out?”

Me: “I don’t think I understand. You want me to edit the jingle so there’s no music or singing?”

Client: “Yeah. I mean you guys can do stuff like that, can’t you? Like, with the computers you got?”

Me: “We can’t really, um, do it like that. If you don’t want the jingle sung, we could have [The Jingle’s Hook] read in the voice-over.”

Client: “No, that won’t work. You can’t just read it. We gotta have the melody in there with it.”

Me: *loathes his career choice*

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Customer: “I’m looking for that movie.”

Me: “We have lots of movies, can I help narrow it down?”

Customer: “No, I want it full-sized.”

Me: “I meant, what can you tell me about the movie?”

Customer: “Isn’t it YOUR job to tell ME about the movie?”

Me: “Well, I’ll tell you everything I know about the movie as soon as you tell me which movie you’re looking for.”

Customer: “If I knew which movie I was looking for, wouldn’t I have found it by now? Jeez, the people they hire these days.”

(Customer storms out.)

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Customer: “Do other places besides Disney sell Disney tickets?”

Me: “I believe so, but I only have information about the tickets we sell.”

Customer: “How much do other places charge?”

Me: “I don’t have any information on other ticket resellers.”

Customer: “Is it cheaper if I buy tickets somewhere else?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t know anything about other places, only Disney.”

Customer: “Will they add the no expiration option for me?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Customer: “Can you give me names and contact information for other ticket places?”

Me: “Sir, I can only help you if you wish to purchase tickets directly from Disney.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you’re being unhelpful!”

(Ten years ago, I was working for a company selling computerized cash registers. A customer called in to help me with a cash register that didn’t connect to the back office computer)

Me: “So, can you tell me the settings of the DIP switches on the cash register?”

Customer: “DIP switch?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, the small switches located on the backside.”

Customer: “Eeeerrr… there are no switches there.”

Me: “Oh, yes, there are. Right next to the power cord.”

Customer: “No. There are no switches. Not anymore!”

Me: *puzzled* “Huh? Not anymore? What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, you know, my colleague told me that these switches might actually be what caused the problem, so I removed them.”

Me: “REMOVED THEM?!”

Customer: “Yeah, you know, removed them. With a chisel.”

(Two days before Thanksgiving, people are picking up their orders of turkeys. One customer placed an order late, for a 20 lb. fresh Butterball. We didn’t get many of those, so I reserved a 20 lb. fresh “other” turkey.)

Me: “Well, I do have a previously frozen Butterball that a customer changed their mind on. It’s pretty much thawed out; you could have that.”

Customer: “No, my mother won’t eat frozen turkey.”

Me: “Well, then, take the fresh one.”

Customer: “My mother only eats Butterball.”

Me: “This is a Butterball, and since you have to thaw it anyway to cook it, why not take the Butterball?”

Customer: “She won’t eat frozen turkeys.”

Me: “We still have small fresh Butterballs. Why not take two of them?”

Customer: “No, my mother is making a turkey, too, and I don’t want to have three of them.”

Me: *exasperated*

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