Dad Speaks A Whole Different Language

, , , | Related | June 19, 2017

(My parents split when I was five and I was raised by my mom so my relationship with my dad has always been very awkward. He still tends to treat me like a little kid even though I’m 21. I’ve only seen him twice in the past six years and we rarely talk on the phone so our relationship hasn’t changed much. My sister and I are planning to visit him this summer, so I’m calling him to start planning.)

Me: “What dates work for you?”

Dad: “Well, you can’t come until May at the earliest because I’m not well right now.”

Me: “Oh, no, what’s wrong?”

Dad: “I’ve got a cold and I need a machine to help me breathe when I sleep.”

Me: “Oh, that’s awful. Is [His Girlfriend] taking care of you?”

Dad: “Yeah, she’s taking care of me. She does everything but wipe my a**.”

(I can hear his girlfriend cracking up in the background, and I’m a bit taken aback as my dad almost never swears around me. I brush it off and the conversation moves to my schooling. I tell him I’m going to be a student teacher for an introductory Spanish class next year.)

Dad: “Wow, that’s awesome. I didn’t know you spoke Spanish.”

(I’ve only been studying it for ten years…)

Me: “Yeah, I’m really excited.”

Dad: “Mucho gusto!” *Nice to meet you* “You know what that means?”

Me: “Yes, dad, I know what that means.”

Dad: “Muy caliente! You know what that means?”

(Most people think that it’s used to say something is hot, temperature-wise, but it actually means “horny.”)

Me: “Uh… yes, I know what that means.”

Dad: “Muy caliente! I only say that when I see a sexy lady.”

Me: “…okay, dad.”

(After that conversation, I stopped wishing for my dad to treat me more like an adult.)

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