Dad Is In More Hot Water Than The Hotdogs

(This is during the Northeast blackout of 2003. It’s the height of summer, and our power and water have been out for days. I’m 12 at the time and already acting like a teenager, communicating mostly through angry expressions and snarky words. My mom and brother are away on my brother’s school trip, so it’s just me and my dad. Unfortunately, my dad doesn’t really have any cooking or survival skills. He can barely boil water without something going wrong. During the brief time between when he moved out of his parents’ house and when he married my mom, he lived exclusively on pizza and fast food. He once nearly burnt down his apartment by trying to reheat a pizza in the oven without removing it from the box first. Obviously, he’s having some trouble feeding us both with no working fridge, freezer, oven, stove, or microwave. While I’m reading a book and trying to keep cool, I see my dad carry a gas camp stove outside. I hear lots of clattering and swearing for the next half hour or so, then he comes back inside and proudly sets a plate in front of me. On it are the charred remains of what looks like an entire package of hot dogs. One of them has broken open and appears to still be raw on the inside.)

Me: *disgusted look*

Dad: “Okay, I know it’s not as good as what your mom makes, but this was the best I could do.”

Me: “Oh, my god, Dad! You know I’m a vegetarian now.”

Dad: “Oh, right. Still? But anyway, do hot dogs even count?”

Me: *Of course they— Hold on, I thought we declared yesterday that all the food in the fridge was bad.”

Dad: “Yeah, but hot dogs don’t go bad.”

Me: “Uh, yeah, they do. Why do you think we keep them in the fridge?”

Dad: “Because that’s where the meat drawer is?”

Me: *face-palm* “We can’t eat this. We could get sick.”

Dad: “Well, other than this, we have ketchup and chocolate milk powder without the milk. And without water, for that matter.”

(We decided to drive around to see if any stores were open and selling food or water. We had no luck for a few hours, and then the sun went down. We saw a faint glow on the horizon and headed in that direction. It turned out to be a city with the power back on, and we found one fast food place that was open. We got some food and drinks and then decided to come back the next day to see if any grocery stores were open. Luckily, our power came back on that night. When my mom got home, she had a few words with my dad regarding food safety.)