Cranking Up Your Response To The Cranks

(I’m a manager at a well-known fast food place whose signature sandwich has two all-beef patties, special sauce, etc. It is two days before Christmas and most of our calls have been local kids making lame attempts at crank calls. Half hour after close I am in the office doing paperwork when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Restaurant], can I help you?”

Caller: *pause* “Um, can I have a whopper?”

Me: “One whopper? Sure. So, this one time, I was at the store and you’ll never believe this! I got a huge bag of candy, like twelve pounds, and it was mis-marked! You’ll never believe how much I paid for it! One dollar, can you believe it! Twelve pounds of candy for a dollar!”

Caller: “Um… can I get an onion whopper?”

Me: “Oh! You mean whopper like the sandwich, not an exaggerated tale. Yeah, I don’t have any of those.”

Caller: “…uh.”

Me: “Yeah, that candy story was pretty lame. But how about this one… So, this one time you’ll never believe the fish I caught! Talk about your whoppers! He was three feet long! Must have weighed a hundred and twenty pounds. I wrangled him for a over an hour and—”

Caller: *click*

(Guess they didn’t like my fish story either!)