Customer Codex

I’ve been working at the grocery store for a couple of weeks.

Coworker: “Watch out, Duchess Whine-ington has walked in.”

Me: “Duchess who?”

Coworker: “The lady in the fancy dress. Despite how she looks, she’ll find an item that she thinks is overpriced and will whine about it.”

The ‘duchess’ approaches me holding a jar of peanut butter.

Duchess: “Why is this so expensive?!”

Me: “That’s an organic brand of peanut butter. Actually, that one is more expensive as it’s cashew butter, not peanuts.”

Duchess: “Hmph, well, it should be the same price as the peanut butter! What if I like cashews but don’t like peanuts?!”

Me: “I don’t set the prices, ma’am, but if you wanted to provide feedback, you could—”

She flounces away before I can finish the sentence. My coworker walks over to me.

Coworker: “Told you.”

Me: “That nickname was pretty accurate.”

Coworker: “We have them for all our frequent flyers! There’s Red Bull Red Handed, because he’s always caught red-handed stealing… You guessed it, Red Bull. There’s Crystal Methodist, high and always preaching about God, and there’s Count Backula, who always counts every item as it scans and keeps an eye on the total, and always gets cashback.”

Me: “I love how descriptive the names are! I really feel like I can see them.”

Coworker: “Yeah, some are more obvious than others. Wait until you meet Granny NoPants…”