Smoking And Green Cards And Marriage, Oh My

(I’m home from college while I prepare for a summer abroad. At dinner, my mother has spent the last half hour or so complaining about my father’s eating habits — the way he holds his fork, the way he moves food around his plate, if he cuts too much of his meat up in one go, etc. He finally leaves the table, frustrated.)

Mom: *raised voice, so he can hear* “And he can be such a baby, honestly.” *turns to me* “I can’t even look at him when he eats like that.”

Me: *just look at her blankly, since I couldn’t care less how my dad eats*

Mom: “So, about this trip. I need you to promise me you won’t start smoking or anything just because the other kids do.”

Me: *confused* “Yeah… y’know, my asthma makes that pretty unlikely.”

Mom: “And you can’t go out to bars and take drinks from strangers. I’ve read all about this; it’s really dangerous!”

Me: “Um… what?”

Mom: “Well, they can spike your drinks, you know.”

Me: “But I don’t drink… and when have I ever willingly gone to a bar? There are always people smoking. It messes with my asthma, remember?”

Mom: “Well, I’m just saying. Be careful.” *looks over at Dad’s plate* “I can’t believe he just threw a hissy fit like that. I can’t stand him sometimes. He never listens to me and he’s so passive-aggressive about everything. Anyway, there was something else— Oh, that’s right. If you meet some guy and he asks to marry you, he’s probably only interested in a Green Card.”

Me: “You realize I’ll only be there two months, right? And I don’t date? Like, at all?”

Mom: “Oh, I know, but things like that happen on these trips. If you meet someone, I just want you to realize that’s what he’s after so you don’t get hurt. If he asks to marry you—”

Me: *really irritated at this point* “Then it wouldn’t matter since I don’t plan on ever getting married, right?”

Mom: “What?!” *stares at me, aghast* “But don’t you want to be HAPPY?”