Critics Would Pan Those Puns

(By coincidence, I land a job in the same office that a friend’s boyfriend, [Coworker], works at. As this is a small office, most of them have ended up being outside-of-work friends, so my friend is able to give me a rundown on what all of my new coworkers are like.)

Friend: “And that just leaves [Trainer]. She’s… well, she seems nice, but watch out because she’s homophobic.”

Me: “Oh, no! How did you find out?”

Friend: “I mentioned I was bi to her once, and she just gave me this really, really flat stare and didn’t say anything for a long time, and then changed the subject. She’s also a Christian who wears a crucifix all the time.”

Me: “Gotcha. No mentioning the liking-girls part, I guess.”

(When I start at the office, it turns out [Trainer] is actually my trainer. She does, in fact, wear a crucifix, and I spend weeks in anxious silence waiting for the other shoe to drop. Instead, not only do I never hear a bad word from her about ANY race or orientation, but the only time I hear her say a word on the subject at all is when she puts forward a thought-out argument for why being trans is actually supported by the Bible. Eventually, I ask my friend and her boyfriend about it one night when we’re hanging out.)

Me: “So, [Friend], how did you find out [Trainer]’s homophobic? She seems nice to me.”

Coworker: “What? [Trainer] is definitely not.”

Friend: “She is. I mentioned I was bi, and she completely blanked me.”

Coworker: “Preeeeetty sure that never happened.”

Friend: “It absolutely happened–”

Coworker: “You know what? I’m calling her and asking.” *gets [Trainer] on speaker phone* “Hey, did you know [Friend] is bi?”

Trainer: “Uh. I didn’t. Do I need to do something with this information? Like, is this your way of saying you’re organising a coming-out party?”

Friend: “Bulls***! I absolutely told you before!”

Trainer: “What? When?”

Friend: “At that first party after [Coworker] and I got together.”

Trainer: “I don’t remember this conversation. At all.”

Me: “What did you actually say?”

Friend: “I don’t know. It was just after [Coworker] and I got together, and she said something like, ‘Congrats on not being single anymore,’ and I said, ‘Oh, I wasn’t single; I was on stand-bi.’”

Coworker: “Ha! That’s clever.”

Trainer: “Um? Did she just make some sort of hand signal or something?”

Coworker: “It’s a pun. Here, I’ll text it to you.”

Trainer: “Oh! Oh, I get it now. Sorry, [Friend], I guess I aced that conversation.”

Friend: “No, you did the absolute opposite of–”

Me: “Wait. Was that an asexual pun?”

Trainer: “Yep.”

Me: “And you’re… not homophobic?”

Trainer: “I’m what?!”

Coworker: “Nah, [Trainer] is just bad at jokes.”

(And so, the last lesson my trainer taught me was to not assume malice for what stupidity can explain.)