Coconuts About Dairy

(I work for a coffee shop set in the middle of an open-university campus. A woman walks in with her friend.)

Woman #1: “Is there any dairy in your [specialty drink]?”

Me: “Yes, there is, but we do have dairy substitutes such as soy, coconut, and almond milk.”

Woman #2: “Oh, see? They do have dairy substitutes.”

Woman #1: “Okay, that’s good. I’m allergic to soy, though, so I can’t have dairy or soy milk.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Would you like almond milk or coconut milk?”

Woman #2: “Is that a dairy substitute?”

Me: *getting a bit agitated* “Yes. Almond milk and coconut milk do not contain any dairy.”

Woman #1: “Coconut milk sounds good.”

Me: “Okay, great. What size would you like your [specialty drink]?”

Woman #1: “Wait… Where does coconut milk come from?”

Woman #2: “Is it dairy-free?”

Me: *internally screaming* “It is milk… that comes from a coconut.”

Woman #2: “Oh…”

Woman #1: “Is it dairy-free?”

Me: *literally cannot handle the stupidity much longer* “Your total is $4.72.”