Causing A Storm In Any Port

, , , , | Right | January 12, 2019

(I work in the bar of a restaurant. It’s a busy night and there is a wait for food. We’re all doing our best to get food out as fast as possible when a regular customer comes in. He’s known to have an aggressive, bullying tone but never says anything out of turn; it just always sounds that way.)

Regular: “Port!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any at the moment.”

Regular: “Still?” *orders drink* “Can I order food at the bar?”

Me: “Certainly, but I have to tell you there’s up to a 45 minute wait at the moment; as you can see, it’s busy.”

Regular: “45 minutes?! That’s ridiculous! What if I sit round there?” *gestures to the restaurant area*

Me: “I’m afraid the wait will be the same as the food all comes from the same kitchen.”

(He huffs and mumbles for a while before deciding to order.)

Regular: “I’ll have fish and chips. You can have that hurried through, right?! It can’t take that long to cook.”

Me: “It doesn’t take that long, no, but the orders come up in the order they are made and I can’t push your ticket ahead of someone else’s. Some people have been waiting patiently for a while now.”

(I put his food though, fetch him some cutlery and condiments and when I return, he’s vanished. I ask a regular where he has gone and he doesn’t know. Finally, he returns and his food is prepared and taken to him.)

Me: “There we go, sir. Enjoy.”

(I leave him to eat for a while before doing a check back. When I return a few minutes later, his plate is almost empty.)

Me: “Was everything to your liking, sir?”

Regular: “What fish is this meant to be?”

Me: “I believe it’s either cod or pollock, but I will check to confirm, if you like?”

Regular: *snorts derisively* “Yes, check!”

Me: *I do check and return* “Yes, sir, it’s cod.”

Regular: “No, it is not! It’s bloody awful; that’s not cod! I’m going to trading standards. It was horrible, like eating a tyre. I only ate it because I was hungry!”

(This guy’s plate is so clean it’s hard to tell if it’s even been used.)

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that; I will talk to the kitchen and duty managers for you. Would you like to speak to the manager yourself?”

Regular: “No!”

(I talk to the manager.)

Manager: “Well, he’s eaten it all; I can’t change it because you can’t even tell the plates had anything on it. If it was that awful, he’d have left something!”

(The manager talks to him. It appears to not go well.)

Regular: *back at bar* “I want a double brandy and double espresso in a glass.” *gets his drink* “This is never a double! It should be free because of the food! You’ll not be seeing me in here again, anyway!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t authorise that but I can ask the manager.”

Regular: “He’s a bloody idiot; no use at all!”

(He takes his drink and sits, still grumbling at the table. I start to write my list to restock the fridges.)

Regular: “Port!”

Me: *turning around and realise what he means* “That won’t help on this list. I’m doing my stock-up list.”

Regular: “Well, make sure the manager orders some for next time!”

(So much for not seeing him again.)

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