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Category: Wild & Unruly

Punch, Drunk, And Love

| USA | Food & Drink, Love/Romance, Wild & Unruly

(I’m sitting at a bar when a drunk man approaches a regular female customer, who has been quietly chatting with the also-female bartender.)

Drunk Customer: “Hey, honey, let me buy you a drink.”

Female Regular: *not even turning around* “No thanks. Already have one, and just so you know, I’m married.”

Drunk Customer: “S***, b****, I’m just offering a beer.”

Female Regular: “And I’m politely declining. Please leave me alone.”

Drunk Customer: “I bet I could f****** beat the s*** out of your man!”

Female Regular: *smiling slightly* “Most likely.”

(The male customer sitting next to her, who has been quietly eating his food, and seemingly not involved in the situation at all, laughs.)

Male Customer: “Gee, thanks, babe.”

(The drunk man scoffs at the male customer, who is at least five inches shorter and, while fit, not remotely as muscular as the drunk.)

Drunk Customer: “You’re this b****’s man?”

Male Customer: “I’m this woman’s husband, yes.”

Drunk Customer: “S***, I could pummel you in seconds! She should ditch your sorry a**, and I’ll show her what a real man is like!”

Male Customer: “You could probably beat me up, but that’s not the problem. My wife asked you to leave. Please do so before you get hurt.”

Drunk Customer: “F*** you, what are you gonna do about it?!”

(The drunk customer grabs the male customer’s shoulder, and tries to punch him. Before he can, the female regular turns on her bar stool, twists the drunk’s hand away, and punches him so hard in the face that he drops to the floor.)

Male Customer: “I didn’t say I’d hurt you.”

(The drunk stumbles to his feet, furious and bleeding from his nose.)

Drunk Customer: “F*** you both!” *to the bartender* “This b**** punched me! Throw her out!”

Bartender: *laughs* “H*** no!”

Drunk Customer: “B****! I AM THE OWNER’S BROTHER! I WANT THIS W**** AND HER HUSBAND TOSSED!”

Bartender: *to the female regular* “Huh, I didn’t know we had a brother.”

Drunk Customer: “…huh?”

Bartender: “I own this bar, and the woman you were treating oh-so-kindly is my little sister. And she had every right to deck you for being a d***.”

Drunk Customer: “F*** ALL OF YOU! I DON’T NEED TO LISTEN TO YOU, YOU F****** GINGER IRISH W****! TRYING TO RUIN ME! NO MAN WILL EVER WANT TO F*** YOU, YOU B****!”

Bartender: “You don’t need to listen to us anymore. Get out of my bar; you’re banned for life.”

(The drunk man continues to scream obscenities at her, her sister, and her brother-in-law, until he had to be dragged out by the bouncer—the bartender’s husband.)

Customer Gets Carded Anyway

| Manchester, England, UK | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

(I am working the drive-thru, and the card machine has just gone down. There are a number of cars already waiting in line, so I go outside to put signs up and tell them about the problem.)

Me: “Hello, madam, I am very sorry, but we are having problems with our card machine. If you need to pay by card, you will need to go inside the restaurant.”

Customer: “Well why the f*** didn’t you tell me before?”

Me: “I am very sorry but this problem has only just occurred.”

Customer: “You stupid b****, I asked why didn’t you tell me before I queued up!”

Me: “I walked out here as soon as we had the problem, and again, I am sorry for the inconvenience.”

(The customer starts screaming at me, so I walk behind her car to go and tell the next customer.)

Customer: “Don’t walk away from me b****. I was talking to you! Are you stupid?”

(The customer then reverses her car into me hard, knocking me to the floor.)

Customer: “You damaged my car you little s***! I am phoning the police!”

(Someone comes out to help me, and calls an ambulance. Both the ambulance and police arrive, and surprise, surprise, it isn’t me that is arrested!)

Karkat, Thor, And Loki Walk Into A Bar…

, | Manchester, England, UK | Bigotry, Geeks Rule, Top, Wild & Unruly

(A con is going on nearby, and the fast food joint is full of people in cosplay. A rather attractive woman—dressed as a cheerleader with a pink chainsaw—leaves the building with her friends. They are whistled at by two rowdy customers entering.)

Customer #1: “Hey dude, check out all these freaks in here!”

Customer #2: “Oh, God! They’re everywhere! F****** freaks.”

Customer #1: *to a male cosplayer in front of him* “Oi mate, what the f*** are you supposed to be?”

Male Cosplayer #1: “M-me? I’m ‘Karkat’ from Homestuck.”

Customer #1: “Well, you look like a joke. What the f*** are those on your head?”

(The customer flicks the orange horns clipped to the cosplayer’s hair.)

Male Cosplayer #1: “Please don’t do that; I made these myself and I don’t want them to break.”

Customer #2: “You hear that? The little freak made his own horns! Ah, I guess it’s not all bad though; did you see that chick before with the massive rack?”

Customer #1: “I know, you don’t see hot cheerleaders everyday. She’s totally going to get it off me later.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, we’ll find her and give it to her good. I’m going to squeeze those t*** of her so hard.”

Male Cosplayer #1: “Can you please stop?! It’s really degrading to talk about women like that.”

(The whole restaurant goes quiet, and they turn to the rowdy customers.)

Customer #1: “If the slag didn’t want it, should wouldn’t have them hanging out.”

Male Cosplayer #1: “She was in costume! Besides, what does it matter how she was dressed? Clothing isn’t an invitation.”

Customer #2: “Do you want to take this outside?”

(Just then, another male customer in the corner, who also happens to be a cosplayer, speaks up.)

Male Cosplayer #2: “If you fight him, you have to fight me first!”

Customer #2: “Who said that?”

(Male Cosplayer #2 stands up to reveal he is well over 6 ft tall, and very muscular, but in costume too.)

Male Cosplayer #2: “I am Thor, Son of Odin, God of Thunder, who commands the Lightning and the Storm!”

(At that moment, a third cosplayer stands up, revealing he too is very tall and muscular.)

Male Cosplayer #3: “And I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose… to defend women from sexist pigs like you, and defend people’s right to cosplay!”

(The two rowdy customers quickly remove themselves from the restaurant, while Karkat, Thor and Loki receive a round of applause.)

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