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Category: Wild & Unruly

Feeding The Baby And The Trolls

| KS, USA | Health & Body, History, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work at a renaissance festival every year for the past 11 years. My son is about 6 months old. As there is no spot designated for breastfeeding, I just find somewhere quiet and out of the way. Two patrons notice me.)

Patron #1: “Oh, my God. What are you doing!?”

Me: “Beg your pardon? Are you talking to me?”

Patron #1: “Yes, of course! That is so nasty. You should be ashamed. That is absolutely disgusting, and sinful, and child abuse.”

Me: “Oh, please. I do not want to hear it. I’m feeding my son. There is nothing wrong with it and it’s my right to do it wherever I want.”

Patron #2: “He’s right. You can’t do that here. Take that nasty s*** where it belongs. Get a f****** bottle.”

Me: “Leave me alone, please. I have a right by Kansas law to feed my son anywhere I want.”

Patron #1: “Feed him with a bottle. That’s nasty and unsanitary. You’re abusing him by making him do that. Why you feminist b****es want to do that is beyond me. You’re so gross.”

Me: “Okay. I’m not going to defend myself to you. So, just keep moving guys.”

(One of my fellow festival participants comes along.)

Participant: “Excuse me, gentlemen. Is there something I can do to help you?”

Patron #2: “Yeah. You can make her leave. No one wants to see that!”

Patron #1: “You guys shouldn’t allow that in your festival. You’re promoting child abuse.”

Participant: “She actually has every right to be here as she’s a member of the faire, as is her baby. She has to feed him, gentlemen. If it bothers you, please feel free to look away from her.”

Patron #1: “No. I want to sit on that bench right there and watch the gypsy’s dance. She needs to move.”

Me: “I’m not moving. If you want to watch the show and don’t want to sit by me, go sit somewhere else.”

(All the participants carry a walkie-talkie to contact security. This participant calls them.)

Patron #1: “That’s right. You get someone here to make her leave.”

(I move my son to burp him and switch sides. One of the patrons grabs my arm and attempts to remove me himself. I have my hands full with my son. I spot a group of yeomen (royal guards) walking by and immediately start yelling for them.)

Me: “Insuth! Insuth!”

(This is a way to alert other performers that I am NOT acting, and that I am in actual danger. The yeomen run over and one of them draws his sword, which is very real.)

Yeoman: “I’d suggest you let the lady go. It appears she does not wish to accompany you.”

Patron #2: “This little b**** needs to get the f*** out and we’re going to help show her the way.”

(The other three yeomen draw their swords as well.)

Yeoman: “I’m really thinking that is not going to happen. As it is, you gentlemen will be the ones leaving the grounds.”

Patron #1: *sarcastically* “Oh, yeah. You and your fake weapons are gonna make us, right?”

(One of the yeomen steps up to the tree that is next to him and takes a swing at it. The sword embeds several inches before he pulls it back out to show it is very real and sharp.)

Yeoman: “Is that demonstration enough for you, sir? Would you like another?”

(Finally, security arrives and holds the patrons until two state troopers come and arrest them. The yeoman who helped me was given a pin of achievement, as he had not broken character during the entire ordeal. I made them muffins every morning for the rest of the festival and have done so every year since.)

Not Just The Cream Turning Sour

| Wichita, KS, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

(This week, we’re running a deal on a certain brand of sour cream. A customer starts loading her groceries onto the belt.)

Me: “Hi! Is that it for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, dear! That’s all.”

(I make small talk with her while I’m ringing her out. Then I notice that she has two tubs of the sour cream on sale.)

Me: “I have some good news! We’re running an awesome special on this sour cream right now. If you want to grab another one, it’ll be free.”

(The customer freezes and stares at me, her eyes wide.)

Customer: “…excuse me?”

Me: “Er, it’s three-for-two? We have a refurbi—”

Customer: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER RIGHT NOW!”

(I ring my manager immediately, because her transformation was, frankly, terrifying.)

Manager: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “This little c*** tried to charge me for three tubs of sour cream! Do you treat all of your customers this way? Do you ENJOY ripping people OFF and GUTTING THEM of their HARD-EARNED MONEY?”

Manager: *turns to me* “What?”

Me: “The three-for-two!” *I turn to the customer again* “Ma’am, I was trying to explain that you can get three for the price of two.”

Customer: “C***! You just enjoy watching other people’s money get snatched away. You don’t care.”

Me: “Ma’am, I promise. I wasn’t—”

Manager: “Okay, okay. Everyone calm down.”

(My manager nudges me toward the break room.)

Manager: “I’ll finish up here.”

(The customer shrieks as I make my way to the break room, demanding that I be prosecuted for larceny and threatening to call the police. Even when I am in the break room, I can still hear her. I call my girlfriend, hoping she can calm me down. My girlfriend also works in the store.)

Girlfriend: “Wait. Wait. Does this woman have purple glasses?”

Me: “…yes.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God. Yeah, babe. I’m gonna go out and buy you a nice bottle of wine; how’s that?”

(As it turns out, that woman had gone off on three other employees, including my girlfriend, on our old manager’s watch. She had been banned from the store until our new manager was hired. She actually tried to sue one of the cashiers for larceny!)

Trying To Get Herself A-Wrist-Ed

| Virginia Beach, VA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

(I am ordering coffee at a coffee shop located on my community college campus.)

Barista: “Hey, [My Name]. I love that bracelet you’re wearing!”

(The barista points to the silicone rainbow wristband on my right wrist.)

Me: “Thanks!”

Customer Behind Me: “Where did you get it?”

Me: “It was from a group that gave them out a couple years back. But they’re not doing them any more, due to financial problems.”

Customer Behind Me: “Oh, so I couldn’t get one?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

(The customer keeps eyeing the wristband as we wait for our drinks. It’s slightly strange but I don’t say anything.)

Barista: “[My Name], latte’s up!”

Me: “Thanks, [Barista’s Name]. You have a good—”

(As I reach for my drink, the customer behind me steps forward and starts actually pulling on my arm to get the wristband off. I’m right handed and my HOT drink ends up spilling all over the floor and her.)

Customer Behind Me: “I HATE ALL OF YOU! F*** THIS!”

(The customer runs away, while the barista and I just kind of blink for a while.)

Barista: “I have no words right now. I’ll make you another drink.”