Me: (to my 7 month old son) High five!
Son: (gets excited and smacks me in the face)

(My family has a group chat, which I treasure since I live out of state and have young sisters that I don’t get to see grow up. For context, my young sisters have some cognitive disabilities to the point that they are very far behind grade level in their academic classes. My mom sent a text one day that said the following:)

(9-year-old sister) just “read” me Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See. As she put it away she said, “See? I can read. Soon I’ll be able to read Harry Potter! “

My stepdad is an electrician. We are at a home improvement store, where he’s looking for “male and female” parts.

Me: Why is it called male and female?

Mom: Because one goes into the other.

Me: (disgusted look)

Mom: (starts laughing)

It’s the holiday rush and, of course there is a long line.
I have a single line of customers, and a random lady is standing off to the side, on the opposite side of my register. Me= Mam, you need to stand in the queue to get checked out. Lady= Okay, I’m behind that guy in line. Me=, Then please move into the queue so I can check you out. Lady= I’m okay here. Me=, Mam, if another customer comes up behind you, they will assume you are in line. Please step over here. She finally stepped over to the line but, Sheesh!

I work for a really small company (about 30 employees total). Our VP of HR is actually the owner’s father and a much older man. He and I get along amazingly despite our age gap, we even have designated nicknames for each other. Due to his age and the recent pandemic, he has been working from home, so he often calls me with random questions about the office and such. One day, he calls me with a question.

HR: Hello, young lady!
Me: Hello, Genius! What’s up?
HR: I was wondering, is anyone in the office a …. Do we have a … Is anyone a … SSSSSNNNNNOOOOORRRRTTTTT?

Yes, he literally snorts into the phone.

Me: (through my laughter) A notary?
HR: (laughing hysterically) YES! How in the world did you know?
Me: I bet you didn’t know I spoke that language!
HR: I bet you didn’t know that I did, either!