Category: Top

Obviously, She Needs Food For Thought

| North Brunswick, NJ, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

(A truck flips over down the street and takes out a power line, knocking out the power to our restaurant. We are all getting ready to start cleaning up and calling it an early day until a customer walks in. Note that all the lights are off.)

Customer: “I tried calling to place an order and you guys didn’t answer the phone!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Our power is out, so our phones don’t work.”

Customer: “Well, that’s okay. Can I just order a chicken lori dinner?”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid that’s not possible at the moment. We have no electricity in the kitchen and there aren’t any windows back there. Plus, our ovens and grilles have electric starters.”

Customer: “You guys are open though, correct?”

Me: “Only for a little while longer while we clean up.”

Customer: “Well, then, can you at least make me a pizza?”

Me: “I don’t think you really understand. We lost power. We can’t cook anything right now.”

Customer: “Ugh, what kind of pizza place is this? Can I at least have one of the slices on the counter?”

Me: “Sure, we can do that.”

(I pick her slices out and start putting them in a box.)

Customer: “You aren’t even going to heat them up or anything?”

Me: “Ma’am, I honestly don’t know how much clearer I can make this. The power is out. Anything that uses electricity is currently not working. Our stoves cannot be started.”

Customer: “Fine! Forget it. I’m never coming back here again. You people are useless!”

Wake Up And Smell The Fumes

| Orange County, CA, USA | Top

(I’m a public safety officer in charge of the entire campus over the weekend. A large building has been locked, secured, and the key card access has been turned off because the building is being fumigated. I get a call on my work phone.)

Me: “Campus safety, how can I help you?”

Faculty: “Hi, I need to get into [building].”

Me: “Sorry, that building is closed for fumigation.”

Faculty: “I know, I left something in my office that’s really important. I need to go up and get it.”

Me: “I understand, but the entire building is locked up so no one can get in.”

Faculty: “I know, I have been trying to get in. They must have shut off the keycard readers.”

Me: “You’re trying to get in? You can’t sir. The entire building is filled with toxic fumes.”

Faculty: “I know that! I just need to get in real fast and grab something.”

(His office is actually on the 4th floor. Even running and taking the elevator could be a 6-10 minute round trip in poisonous gas.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t let you in. You could become seriously ill from the fumes. I can’t take that responsibility.”

Faculty: “What if I wrote you a note saying it was okay?”

Me: “That likely wouldn’t protect me from much if I let you in and you collapse. Then I would have to go in and get you and compromise my health and safety.”

Faculty: “But you’re Campus Safety! Isn’t it your job to do that?”

Me: “I’m ensuring your safety by not letting you in a poison-filled death trap.”

Faculty: “Fine, then!” *hangs up*

To Serve Man

| Northridge, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Top

(A male customer approaches the cash register.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “What did you say to me?”

Me: “Um, how can I help you?”

Customer: “You…help me? How can you…help me? YOU?”

Me: “Um, yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

Customer: “You can’t help me!”

Me: “Okay, why not?”

Customer: “Because I don’t need YOUR help!”

Me: “Okay, what what do you want me to do? I’m the only one working here.”

Customer: “I want you to ask me, ‘How may I serve you?'”

Me: “Um, no.”

Customer: *cusses up a storm and leaves*