Category: Top

Oh, Crystal Meth

| Bizarre, Top

Click here to view the comic version of this quote!

(I’m checking out another patron’s books. Suddenly, a customer screams and points at me, in the process elbowing another patron out of the way.)


Me: “Um, I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m helping someone right now….”

Library patron: “You let it get all FATTY on the top!!!”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

(The library patron begins to cry.)

Me: “Why are you crying?”

Library patron: “I don’t know, cuz dads are microwaving their kids and sh*t!”

Me: “…”

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The Fine Line Between Customer And Cuckoo

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Me: “Hi, can I help you find something?”

Lady Customer: “Yes, actually. You have this item that I want, but it looks like it’s been damaged.”

(Lady lifts up a portable DVD player that’s currently on sale. She pointed out a small tear in the box.)

Lady Customer: “Would you happen to have any more?”

Me: “Sure, I can check for you.” *checks our computer* “No, I’m sorry, it appears that you have the last one.”

Lady Customer: *angry* “Why don’t you have any more!?”

Me: “Well, it’s a great sale, so we’ve had a lot of people come in today to purchase it.”

Lady Customer: “Yes, but it’s ON. SALE. That means that it should be IN. STOCK.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but since it’s on sale, we’ve had a lot of people come in today to purchase it. The one that you have right now is still in good shape. The only problem with it is not the product, but the box itself.”

Lady Customer: “This is false advertising! Your ad said you had these, but you don’t! WHY!?”

Me: “Because if we had every on sale item overstocked to meet demand, our storage room would be impossible to traverse through…”

Lady Customer: “Fine, be a smart ass. I still want one from here either way. Call the store in [location] to drive one here so I can purchase it.”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Lady Customer: “Call [location]…and tell them to bring me one…”

Me: “Um… first, we don’t have an outside line in my department. You would have to go to Guest Service. Second, they wouldn’t deliver a single item for one guest.”

Lady Customer: “Why the HELL not!?”

Me: “Because… I don’t think the Electronics specialist, currently busy handling his own department…would be very happy to have to get your item, drive his car 20 minutes, waste gas, and then deliver said item to you while you’re already holding said item in hand…”

Lady Customer: “THIS. IS. RIDICULOUS!”

Me: “We agree then.”

Lady Customer: *Infuriated* “I am NEVER coming to this STUPID F**KING STORE AGAIN! I’M GOING TO WALMART!”

Me: “Good luck Ma’am! I heard they have GREAT customer support, but I doubt they will meet to your demands.”

(Lady storms off.)

Another Customer: “What the f**k was her problem?”

Me: “…thank you…”

Not Quite Getting What “Return” Means

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Customer: “I’d like to return these ice pops.”

Me: “Ok, I just need to see your receipt.”

(I take the box of ice pops.)

Me: “…this is an empty box!”

Customer: “Well, we ate them. Some of them taste good, but some of them had a weird taste, so we threw them out.”

Me: “I can’t give you money back on something you already ate.”

Customer: “Why are you so difficult?! I’m never shopping here again!”

At Least She Tried: Racism, Sexism AND Jesus

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Female customer, from 15 feet away: “Hey, you!”

Me: “Yes?”

(Customer comes over with her friends and a dirty soccer-ball shaped pillow.)

Female customer: “This is the last one and it’s dirty. I want 20% off!”

Me: “I’d like to give you a discount, but you’ll have to talk to one of my superiors. I don’t have the authority to do that.”

Female customer: *points towards the sky* “My only superior is up there, and He’s the only one who I take orders from. ”

Me: “Let me see if I can get a manager.”

(I call for a manager, and of course, no one shows up. After 10 minutes…)

Female customer: “Why can’t you give me a discount?”

Me: “Because I don’t have the authority.”

Female customer: “Well, I think you can’t give me a discount because you don’t believe in Jesus!”

Me: “You can take that item to the service desk, and I’m sure they’d be able to help you out.”

Female customer: “Yeah and we’ll stick out like a bunch of sore thumbs since we’re the only black people in the store!”

Me: “Actually, our store manager is African American, as well as two of our assistant managers, who are both women.”

Female customer: “Oh.” *she finally walks away*

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The Joys Of Self Righteousness

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Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!”

Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******.

(I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-”

Woman: “Did it come up?”

Me: “Yes it did.”

Woman: “What did it say?”

Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

Woman: “Oh my god!”

Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?”

Woman: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

Woman: *click*

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