Category: Top

Please Thy Master, Or Else

| Quezon City, Philippines | Top

Me: “Hi, how may I help you today?”

Customer: *very seriously* “Give me your largest, most orgasmically tasty caffeinated drink.”

Me: “Um, alright, sir.”

(I prepare a large order of our bestseller. The customer sips his drink, and then looks me in the eye.)

Customer: “You get to live…for now.”

Ice And A Side Of Chill Pill

, | UK | Food & Drink, Top

(Note: I am working in a drive thru.)

Me: “Hello, can I take your order?”

(I hear the customer sigh. They then carry on talking to a friend.)

Me: “Hello, can I take an order please?”

Customer: “God! One minute please! Can’t a person just have some peace without being pestered for money?”

Me: “Um, sir, you’ve driven up to the drive thru speaker. I assumed you’d wish to order. If not, you should have gone into the car park.”

Customer: “You’re being extremely rude. And how did you know I was a man?”

Me: “There is a camera facing you, sir. I didn’t mean to come across as rude, but you are causing a queue, so if you do not plan to order, please leave the queue.”

Customer: *sigh* “Fine.”

(He gives an incredibly long order, with special requests. I read the order back to him to verify that it is correct.)

Me: “Okay, if that order is complete, check the screen and come to the window.”

Customer: “God, what took you so long?! *throws change on the counter and drives off*

(Ten minutes later, he comes back.)

Customer: “I am not happy!”

Me: “What’s the problem with your order, si–”

Customer: “I specifically asked for coke with no ice, and you put it in wrong! Guess what? There’s ice in my coke!”

Me: “Sir, I read the order back to you twice and then asked you to check the screen to ensure it was correct.”

Customer: “Well you serve people everyday. You should have been able to guess from experience that I didn’t want ice. My demeanor made it very obvious!”

Pray The Gay To Stay

| Melbourne, Australia | Family & Kids, Top

(We run a number of programs to help parents of children with special needs, so they can access services. We occasionally also give out parenting advice.)

Caller: “Can you tell me what makes someone gay?”

Me: “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

Caller: “Gay. What makes someone gay?”

Me: “Ma’am, if your child is gay, nothing ‘made’ them gay. And being gay is certainly not a disability.”

Caller: “Of course it’s not a disability! What kind of disgusting person thinks being gay is a disability?”

Me: “Then why do you want to know what makes someone gay?”

Caller: “I want to make my son gay. I would love to have a gay child. I’m very open minded!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t make someone gay. If your son is straight, you can’t change that.”

Caller: “Well, I see on the news all the time about how single parent families have gay kids. I am a single mother, but I still don’t think he’s gay.”

Me: “Um–”

Caller: “Should I show him pictures of gay men having sex?”

Me: *stunned* “Um…I doubt that’s a good idea. You would just confuse him, and possibly scare him. Can I ask how old your son is?”

Caller: “He’s three. I want him to be gay before he goes to school. So if gay porn would scare him, should I show him straight porn? I really really want a gay son.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot show a 3 year old porn of any kind! You can’t control your son’s sexuality!”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m very open minded! You must just be homophobic.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m gay!”

Caller: “Then why won’t you help me? Don’t you want my son to be gay? He’d be such a good gay man!”