Category: Top

Be Sure To Ask For Frickin Laser Beams

| Lower Saxony, Germany | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

(I’m refilling a bunch of buckets with pet food when a customer approaches. He’s dressed entirely in black, has long hair, and an intimidatingly large beard. I have previously seen him staring at snakes for a while.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering, which pet would you recommend for an evil overlord?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, for the aspiring world dominator. I want something that looks evil and intimidating…something that can tear my enemies to shreds!”

Me: “Uh…I’m sorry, sir, the most vile animals we have would be those kittens over there and I don’t think they’re quite big enough to kill someone.”

Customer: *completely serious* “What about sharks?”

Me: “Nope, sorry. We don’t have the space for such a big aquarium in here.”

Customer: “Well, d***. I don’t suppose you have lions or siberian tigers, then?”

Me: “I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “D*** right you’re afraid! When I’m your master, I’ll come back with an army of battlehamsters and feed you to them!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “I’m looking forward to that.”

(He leaves the shop, but only after buying three hamsters.)

Fashion Over Function Keys

| Glasgow, Scotland, UK | Technology, Top

(I’m working as a trainer in a Internet service provider tech support team and I’m taking a call to show the new people how it’s done. One of my assistants is recording the call so we can replay it later.)

Me: “Welcome to [ISP] tech support. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I’m having problems writing an email. I just can’t seem to do it.”

(This ISP is known for its less tech savvy customers, so this is rather common.)

Me: “That’s okay. Do you see a icon like an envelope at the top of the screen?”

Caller: “Erm, yes!”

Me: “Okay, click on that.”

Caller: “Oh, a big box with 2 smaller boxes above it has opened up.”

Me: “Okay, one of those smaller boxes will say ‘To:’. Can you click on that, please?”

Caller: “Okay, done that. There’s a little flashing line!”

Me: “Good, now in that box, we’re going to type an email address. We’ll use mine as a test. It’s C-G-E–”

Caller: “Wait, wait! How do I put that in?”

(At this point, I’m wondering if the user can be this stupid.)

Me: “Well, on your keyboard, hit the letters C-G–”

Caller: “I can’t.”

Me: “Why?”

Caller: “I don’t have a keyboard!”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “Well, I threw it away.”

Me: “Wait. What? Why?!”

Caller: “It didn’t match the furniture!”

Attack Of The Heart(less)

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Health & Body, Top

(A customer has just had a heart attack, and our staff is giving her CPR. Another customer approaches.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but could you move? I need the ink behind you guys.”

Me: “Sir, this lady is suffering a medical illness. I’m sorry for your inconvenience, but you will have to wait.”

Customer: “How dare you treat your customers like this?! I’ll never shop here again!”

Manager: *fed up* “[Competitor] is across the parking lot. Have a nice day.”