Category: Top

More Daylight, Less Twilight, Part 7

, | Oregon, USA | Holidays, Top

(I am a vampire at a haunted house. My costume includes fangs, a cape, and of course, I am drenched in blood.)

Teenage girl: *looking extremely mad* “What is this?! They got your costumes all wrong!”

Me: *snarling, not dropping character* “You smell delicious…it’s so rare we get fresh victims…”

Teenage girls: “No, no, no! Vampires drink ANIMAL blood! And why aren’t you sparkling?!”

Me: “Your neck…it’s so…inviting—”

Teenage girl: “This is WRONG! You aren’t real vampires!” *stomps away*

Related:
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 6
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 5
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 4
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 3
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 2
Less Twilight, More Daylight

This Car Is Past Its Break-in Period

| New Jersey, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am a customer in a used car dealership looking to trade in my car. Another customer has been looking at my car for a few minutes.)

Customer, to salesman: “Can I test drive that green Saturn at the end of the lot?”

Salesman: “That’s a customer’s car. We don’t own it.”

Customer: “Okay. Can I test drive it?”

Salesman: “No.”

(I’m standing close by, laughing at the whole conversation, when my dad comes to tell me he found a nice car in my price-range, so we go to look at it. Five minutes later, I go back to my car to see the same woman trying to pry the window down.)

Me: “Excuse me, what are you doing?”

Customer: “I want to test drive this car, but the salesman refuses to give me the keys!”

Me: “That’s my car. I own it.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought he was just saying that to spite me.”

Buy One Euphemism, Get The Second One Free

| Vermont, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Top

(I’m a rather busty female and I work in a grocery store. An elderly man walks up to my register with his cart.)

Customer: “Well, I see you got new jugs!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “New jugs. I quite like ’em. Better grip. Oh, yeah, much better grip.”

Me: *stares wide-eyed*

Customer: *places two bottles of prune juice on the counter*

Me: *relieved* “Oh, yes. They redid the bottles on those. New jugs.”

Customer: “Mmmm. Prune juice. I quite like it. Keeps me regular.”