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Literary Emergency

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(During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?” ‘

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

Me: “My answer won’t change.”

Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

Me: “I’m Jewish.”

Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

Me: “…if he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”

(She stalked off angrily when she saw not only my manager, but the police coming towards her. By the way, I got a raise after that.)

All Games Rated D For Delicious

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(A coworker and I are chatting at the counter, when a guy comes up and dumps a Playstation 3
onto the counter.)

Customer: “It’s defective.”

Coworker: “I’m very sorry, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Nothing happens when I plug it into my TV.”

Coworker: “OK, let me check on one of the ones we have.”

(My coworker takes the Playstation 3 and plugs it into a TV we have. It works fine.)

Coworker: “It doesn’t appear to be the Playstation 3. It’s probably the TV. Would you like to bring that in for us to have a look at?”

Customer: “Yeah. OK. I’ll bring it in later.”

(The customer grabs the Playstation 3 and leaves. He returns a few hours later and walks up to me, alone this time.)

Customer: “Hey, you were with the guy who served me earlier, right?”

Me: “Yes. You have the TV, sir?”

(The customer dumps the strangest TV ever onto the counter with the Playstation 3 beside it.)

Customer: “Here. It’s still not working.”

Me: *holding back laughter* “Sir, this isn’t a TV. It’s a microwave.”

Customer: “Duh! I know that!”

Me: “I don’t think the Playstation 3 will work on it.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s a microwave. It’s used to cook food, not play games.”

Customer: “But it has a screen. Why wouldn’t it work?”

Me: *facepalm*

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They’re Starting To Catch On

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Customer: “I thought I should let you guys know your phone isn’t working.”

Me: “OK – are you sure you’ve been dialing the correct number?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ve been trying 0800-2100 all week, and it never goes through.”

Me: “…0800-2100? That’s not our number – our number is ****. If you don’t mind me asking, where did you get 0800-2100 from?”

Customer: “Right there, on your door.” *points*

Me: “Sir, that’s not a phone number…those are our business hours.”

Customer: “I’m going to see this on, aren’t I?”

Me: “Yes… yes you will. Have a nice day!”

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Eternal D**nation, Pleasant Atmosphere

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(I’m the manager of a customer service department, and this guy had been hassling our representative for 10 minutes, so I jumped on the call.)

Me: “Good afternoon, **** speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Listen sweetie, I just want the phone number for **** company.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I just want the number for **** company, so you can go ahead and give it to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot give out the phone numbers of our suppliers. Our customer service department is not supplied with them, as we cannot give them out. Just as we would not give out your phone number, we cannot give out theirs.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me. Give me the number! I work for a multi-billion dollar corporation, and we give out phone numbers all the time.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Maybe you could look it up online.”

Customer: “Just let me speak to your secretary; she’ll give it to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have one. Even if we did, she couldn’t help you.”

Customer: “You’re a liar! Do you got to church?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’re a liar, and you’re going to burn in H***.”

Me: “You know what? I’m OK with that.”

Customer: “What?! You’re going to burn in H***!”

Me: “Well, as long as H*** is somewhere you’re not going to be, I’m still fine with that.”

That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man

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(I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz – who do you recommend?”

Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”

Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”

Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”

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