Category: Top

A Sound Driver Is Music To My Ears

| Portland, OR, USA | Awesome Workers, Musical Mayhem, Top, Transportation

(I am a passenger on the train heading home from a long day at school, keeping to myself as it is nearly midnight. A teenager is listening to very obnoxiously loud music. We come to our first stop.)

Driver: *comes back to where the teenager is sitting* “Would you mind turning down your music? You’re disturbing everyone.”

(The teenager laughs and ignores him. The driver glares at him, the teenager only turns it down until the train leaves again. We come to our second stop.)

Driver: *comes back to the teenager* “Turn down your music. You’re disturbing everyone.”

Teenager: “No, I’m not! Everyone likes music!”

(The driver looks around to everyone on the train.)

Driver: “Hands up everyone who wants to listen to this jacka**’s music.”

(Silence.)

Driver: “Hands up everyone who wants the jacka** to turn off his music so they can get home in peace.”

(All hands go up.)

Driver: “If I come back again, you’re off the train.”

Teenager: *glares at everyone around the train and gets off on the next stop*

When Toxic Personalities Become Intoxicated

| Nashville, TN, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, School, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am bartending at a neighborhood dive that caters mostly to a set of regulars who were minimum wage or blue collar workers, but occasionally some of the kids from an expensive nearby university would wander in. I am talking to a female regular at the bar who happens to be seated next to a young guy from the college.)

Me: “Hey, did you check out that show I told you about?”

Regular: “Yeah, thanks, it was really funny!”

(We are discussing episodes, when a college kid joins in.)

College Guy: “Hey, I love that show! What season are you up to?”

(For a few minutes, we all engage in friendly conversation until, suddenly, a spoiled and VERY intoxicated college girl in a miniskirt and six-inch heels proceeds to shove my female regular in the back.)

College Girl: “Hey, b****!”

Regular: *calmly turns on her barstool to look at the girl*

College Girl: “Quit talking to my boyfriend, you stupid w****!”

Regular: “Miss, we were just having a polite conversation.”

College Girl: “You think you can steal my boyfriend, you ugly b****?” *she shoves the regular’s shoulder for emphasis* “Stupid f***ing s***! You wanna try and steal my boyfriend?”

Regular: “Miss, I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood. I have a boyfriend of my own.” *untucks a set of dog-tags from her shirt as proof* “I wasn’t hitting on your boyfriend; we were just having a nice chat. Please calm down.”

College Girl: “You think you can just hit on my boyfriend, you f***ing s***? F*** you, you fat ugly b****!”

(She shoves the regular again, and by now I am furiously trying to flag down the bouncer. The bar has gone quiet, and the girls’ friends have nervously gathered behind her to watch the spectacle.)

Regular: “Miss, please do not touch me again.”

College Girl: “You wanna start something, b****? You wanna start something with me? Come on, you stupid w****!”

(Another shove, and this time the regular stands from her stool.)

Regular: “Miss, I’ve asked you nicely, but now I’m telling you. Do. Not. Touch. Me. Again.”

College Girl: “Let’s go, w****! I’ll f*** you up!”

(Mid-sentence, she tries to shove my regular again, but this time the regular catches the college girl’s arm and delivers a powerful right cross to her face, knocking her out cold. The regular watches the drunk college girl drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes, then sits back down on her barstool and turns back to the bar. The college girl’s friends proceed to pick the woozy girl up off the ground in time for bouncer to escort them all to the parking lot.)

Regular: *to the bouncer* “Me, too?”

Bouncer: “H***, no! I saw the whole thing, girl! You sit your a** back on that stool and order a beer on me.”

(The regular and I exchange smiles as I pull her usual up from the cooler. It’s at this point that we both notice that the college guy who was the cause of the whole mess looking at the regular with his jaw on the floor.)

Regular: “Hey, man, sorry about your girlfriend, but I did warn her.”

College Guy: “Okay, let me stop you right there. That was not my girlfriend. I had never even met that girl before tonight. I have no idea what the h*** she was talking about. And that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. So the bouncer can get the next round, but that one’s on me.”

(One of the girl’s friends ended up coming back in and apologizing for her pal’s erratic behavior, and offered to buy a round for my regular, too. After that night, every regular in the place usually bought one for ‘One-Punch’ whenever she came in, until she moved away to marry her soldier boyfriend!)

Screaming For Ice Cream For Other Reasons

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners, Top

(It is Dickens Faire this weekend, so we have a constant line for ice cream for a good 6 hours straight on Saturday. By Sunday, we only have 4 flavors left; the unavailable ones are covered with lids. A middle-aged couple comes in and looks at the ice cream.

Me: “Hi! The only ice cream we have left are the open ones.”

Husband: “Oh, okay. So just the ones that aren’t covered?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We had a huge rush of people yesterday and sold out of all but those 4 flavors.”

Husband: “Hmmm… I’d like Buttered Pecan on a cone, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any left. We only have the ones that don’t have the lids on them.”

Husband: “Oh… well, how about Coffee?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. We sold out of coffee as well. The only four flavors we have left are Strawberry, Caramel, Strawberry Cheesecake, and Vanilla.”

Husband: “Hmmm… well, I’ll take Mint Chocolate Chip then. In a cone.”

Me: “We don’t have any of that left.”

Husband: “Well what do you have left then?!”

Wife: “She’s told you at least three times already. Only the ones that you can actually see the ice cream in are the ones they have.”

Husband: “But I wanted Buttered Pecan.”

Wife: “Well, too bad. Pick something else!” *to me* “I’ll have the Strawberry Cheesecake in a cup please dear.”

Husband: “I want… Cookies and Cream in a cone.”

Wife: “That’s it. No ice cream for you!”