Category: Top

They’re Talking Babel

| Boston, MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Religion, Top

(I am a customer in line behind one man and one woman. The employees at this shop all have fairly heavy accents, but speak perfectly understandable English. However, they do converse amongst themselves in Spanish.)

Female Customer: *turns around* “What is the matter with these people? Why the h*** can’t they just speak English the way God intended?”

(The other customer and I raise our eyebrows at each other.)

Male Customer: “What makes you think God intended people to speak English?

Female Customer: “Well, the Bible is in English, duh!”

Dinosaur-Brained

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Family & Kids, History, Pets & Animals, Top

Customer: “Excuse me, will my son like this for his birthday? He loves dinosaurs.”

(I examine the gift; it’s a set of various plastic fossils.)

Me: “Well, it depends on how into dinosaurs he is. If he just thinks they’re cool, then it’ll be fine. If he’s into palaeontology at all, though, he’ll be disappointed because none of those are actually dinosaurs.”

Customer: “What? Don’t be stupid! He loves dinosaurs! I know what a dinosaur is!”

Me: “Well, right there you have a Pterodactyl, two Synapsids including the famous Dimetrodon, a Plesiosaur, and a Tiktaalik. None of those are dinosaurs. They’re not even all reptiles, or Mesozoic.”

Customer: “What do you know? God, you kids these days are so rude! I know what a dinosaur is.”

(She buys the toy set and leaves in a huff. A week later, I’m working as a cashier when she comes back.)

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to return this.” *shows me the very same fossil toy set*

Me: “Oh, yes, I remember. Would you like me to help you find a dinosaur toy to get instead?”

Customer: “You? God! Look, missy, he just didn’t like them because they weren’t scientifically accurate, okay? These are dinosaurs! They lived a thousand years ago! Do you think I’m stupid!?”

Me: “Ma’am, you clearly are just as intelligent as you present yourself to be.”

Customer: “Well, I’m glad you realise it.”

If They Were Loud Then Pigs Would Fly

| Layton, UT, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Top

(My two friends and I are customers at a popular nationwide diner chain. It is around 1 am, and we are seated near a corner table, where three loud, obnoxious diners are seated with a sleeping infant in an open carrier. I am seated with my back to them and my two friends and are, for the most part, successfully ignoring them and quietly talking amongst ourselves. The only other customers in the restaurant are two twenty-something’s seated at a small table directly across the aisle from us doing nothing but reading and trying to ignore the obnoxious diners who are using some fairly vulgar language as they complain about their days. Not surprisingly, their loud cursing wakes up their infant. A few moments later, I feel something hit the back of my neck.)

Me: *under my breath* “What the…” *reaching up to take the projectile off the back of my neck*

Friend: “What is that?”

Me: “…it’s bacon.”

(Thinking the increasingly-upset child behind me had grabbed something off the diner’s plate and accidentally thrown it my way as its parents tried unsuccessfully to calm it, I set aside the bacon from the table behind me and continued trying to ignore the loud diners behind us, as they did not directly address us after the bacon had hit me. Five or ten minutes pass.)

Loud female diner: *as she walks by our table* “THANKS FOR BEING LOUD!”

(Her two male friends both give us dirty looks as they pass us and walk towards the front register. We sit and stare in stunned silence. As the lady with the baby pays, we watch her rant to our exhausted waitress and pointing to us. When they finally leave, our waitress came over to us.)

Me: “What was that all about?!”

Waitress: “They apparently were blaming you for waking up their baby.”

Reading customer: “For what it’s worth, we didn’t even realize you guys were there until they yelled at you!”

Me: “You may want to watch out for them if they come back. They started throwing their bacon at me.”

Waitress: *stunned* “I hate the night shift.”