Category: Top

He’s Not Getting Off The Hook(ah)

| OH, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Top, Underaged

(I am an owner of a hookah smoking lounge near a college campus. A group of three underage-looking young people comes in and tries to purchase a smoking session.)

Me: “Okay guys, can I see your IDs?”

Customer #1: “We don’t have IDs. We don’t need ’em!”

Me: “Sorry, but you don’t look over 40, so I have to ask.”

(Customers #2 and #3 pull out their ID cards, and even though they look young, they’re over 18. I let them complete the purchase, but the other customer still refuses to show ID.)

Customer #1: “I’m with them. I’ll use their ID.”

Me: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t work like that. Since you refuse to show me ID, I have to refuse you service. Your friends may stay, since they showed ID. Have a nice day. Please leave.”

(As I have been processing their order, a rush of customers have come in and I think I see Customer #1 leave. As I take an order to another group, I see Customer #1 sitting with his friends. I walk up to them.)

Me: “I thought I told you to leave.”

Customer #1: “What are you going to do, call the police?”

(I pull out a badge out of my pocket, since I am also a reserve deputy sheriff on my days off.)

Me: “No need, I’m already here. Now stand up. We’re going to the back.”

(I didn’t bother with filing charges on him, but I did call his parents who were very angry. In fact, I found out his father was a city police officer himself!)

He Isn’t Leaving, But She Had Better

| Devon, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Top

(I’m looking after my friend’s little girl so she can have a day to herself and relax. As we are in town, I go into work so I can check when I’m next working, then have a drink. The girl sees a kid she goes to nursery with. So, I let her go say hello, whilst keeping an eye on her of course. Next thing I know, my friend’s girl is by my side crying.)

Girl: *points to a random older woman* “That woman said you’re going to leave me.”

Me: “What have you been saying to my kid?”

Woman: “Only the truth. All you young guys are the same. You all leave when you’ve—”

Me: “Okay, you can shut it right there. Now she may not be mine biologically, but I love her like she was my own flesh and blood. More then you could ever imagine. And like h*** am I going to let some insignificant low life like you poison her mind to think otherwise, do you understand me?”

Woman: *stares back in shock*

Me: “I said do you understand me?”

Woman: “Y-yes.”

(Next, I turn to the little girl, who I’ve picked up by now.)

Me: “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. Now, who’s my little bumble?”

Girl: “I am. Love you Uncle!” *kisses me on the cheek*

One Size Fits All

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Awesome Workers, Top

(A man comes to the counter and places two dresses on the counter: one sized XS and one sized XXL.)

Me: “Are these dresses both for the same woman?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Oh, okay. These are both very different sizes, so they are not likely to fit the same person. What size does she usually take?”

Customer: “Um… I’m not sure.”

Manager: “Well, does she look more like me or more like her?”

(Note: my manager is quite small, and I am quite big.)

Customer: “Um… uh… I’m sure these will be fine.”

Me: “Sir, because the price is marked down on these dresses they will be Final Sale, so you will not be able to return them if they are not the right size. Are you sure we can’t help you?”

(The customer looks around furtively, then leans in close so that only my manager and I can hear what he is saying.)

Customer: “These dresses are for me, actually.”

(My manager looks at me, and I at her, and then she turns to the customer and speaks a very matter of fact voice.)

Manager: “Why don’t you go try them on, then?”

Customer: “Really? Would that be okay with you?”

Manager: “Of course! Let me get you started with a fitting room.”

(I spend the next hour bringing this man dresses to try on and he had a lovely time! He introduced himself to me and thanked us profusely for being so understanding and helpful. He left with four dresses, all of which fit him to a tee, and he came back regularly after that.)