Category: Top

Preaching To The Converted

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bad Behavior, Religion, Top

(It’s the day of our church fete. I’m helping out on a busy stall while my father (who also happens to be the vicar) finishes up at his day job. A young man and woman are hanging about at the entrance, handing out pamphlets about atheism. They don’t seem to be causing trouble, so we don’t do anything about it. As the day drags on, we start to get complaints: apparently they’ve changed tack and are starting to harass with anti-religious taunts. I approach them with my friend.)

Woman: *thrusting a pamphlet at me as I approach* “Coming out is better than going in! Break out of the delusion!”

Me: “Uh, thanks. Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but do you mind tuning it down a notch? You’re upsetting some of the parishioners.”

Man: “Ha! Typical. The vicar can’t do the job himself, so he sends a couple of brainwashed children to do it for him! Wake up and smell the lie!”

Friend: *gesturing to me*“Okay, first off she is agnostic.”

Man: “A cowardly atheist! Why the f*** are you here serving these fools? You’re only a Wikipedia page away from enlightenment!”

Me: *getting slightly irritated* “I’d rather keep studying at university, and help as many people as possible rather than holding to a belief I can’t prove. As I said though, I respect what you’re trying to do, but you’re not going to convert anyone by attacking them,”

Woman: “How dare you?! Atheism is a fact!”

(Eventually, my father arrives from his lecture, dressed in a long windbreaker. He’s forgotten to take his reading glasses off, so he still looks quite scholarly. The young man spots him as he approaches us.)

Man: “Hey, sir! You look way too smart to be here. What do you do?”

My Father: *slightly taken aback* “Dean of Physics at the university.”

Man: “Finally, an intelligent human being! Can you please tell these idiots the truth about their ‘Sky Fairy’?”

My Father: “Oh, of course!”

(He takes a step forward, then shudders, clutching at his head and turning bright purple. It’s realistic enough that everyone involved starts to panic, thinking he’s having a fit.)

My Father: “No… impossible! Reason… failing… logic… melting away! Delusions too powerful to resist! Must…convert!”

(With a dramatic gesture, he tears off his windbreaker, revealing his full vicar’s uniform, dog collar and all, beneath. The young man and woman look horrified, and begin to storm away.)

My Father: “God bless!”

Man: “F*** you!”

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 3

, | AB, Canada | Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Top

(I arrive at work an hour and a half early because I forgot what time I started. I decide to sit in the lobby and have lunch before my shift. I notice that the trash can is in dire need of being emptied and that the front counter is busier than usual. I start to tie the bag up, when a customer screeches at me.)

Customer:What do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “Just changing the garbage, ma’am. It was full to overflowing and it was too busy for someone to leave their post and do it.”

Customer: “You don’t have to do that young man! You’re not one of these dropouts that lives in their parent’s basements who can’t do anything better with their lives! What are you taking?”

Me: “I’m planning on becoming an licensed practical nurse. But, ma’am, I don’t just go to school. I work to pay my bills. As a matter of fact, I live in a condo my mother owns. She does not live with me, and I pay rent to her. I pay for my electricity, my internet, and my heating. How do I earn the money for this you ask?”

(At this point I remove my hat from my bag, put it on and remove my coat, revealing that I am dressed in my work uniform.)

Me: “I work here, taking whatever hours I can get. A student without anything on their resume will take any job they can. ”

(I point to one of my coworkers who is mopping the floors at the back of the store.)

Me: “She’s a neuroscience student. Just like me she has bills to pay. Please remember in the future that people who work in fast food are not always drop outs, but more often than not students trying to fund their education. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take out this trash, unless you would like me to help extract your foot from your mouth first.”

(Flustered and obviously embarrassed, the customer leaves the store in a hurry. My manager, who is also a classmate of mine, speaks with me once I return from the dumpsters.)

Manager: “Technically, you could be fired for badmouthing a customer while on the job like that.”

Me: “Technically, I’m not working right now! I haven’t clocked in, and my shift’s not for another half hour.”

Manager: “Well then, brave citizen, how does free apple pie sound?”

(I accepted, of course. You just don’t say no to free pie!)

Related:
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 2

Insert Subtitle Here

| New Zealand | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Top

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Customer: *says something unintelligible*

Me: “Pardon, sorry?”

Customer: *unintelligible* “…flat white…” *unintelligible*

Me: “Oh, a flat white? Sure, that’s $4.50, please.”

Customer: *seems to ask something unintelligible*

Me: “Pardon, sorry?”

Customer: *says something unintelligible again, irritated*

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t understand what you’re saying at all.”

Customer: “Oh! I forgot that I was talking Swedish. I wanted to know if the flat white is in a small or medium cup.”

Me: “Oh, thank goodness! I thought I was going crazy!”