Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

Dumbledore’R’Us

| Wilton, CT, USA | Bizarre, Technology

(I have worked in this particular craft store for years, and know all of our product by heart. An older man speaking broken English flags me down.)

Customer: “I’m looking for a little remote that you point at lights and it fixes the lights.”

Me: “Could you describe it a little more, please?”

Customer: “It was all over the TV last night. All over the TV. You didn’t see it?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m afraid not. We have lots of different lights though, string of lights and replacement bulbs—”

Customer: “No, no, it’s not a light; it fixes the lights. You point it at the broken light and it fixes it.”

Me: “I don’t believe we carry anything like that. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “No, all stores carry it. The TV store said every store carries it.”

Me: “Let me ask my coworkers if anyone has heard of it.”

(We use walkies-talkies to talk to each other, and have headsets to the customer can’t hear the responses.)

Me: “Has anyone heard of a device that you point at broken lights and it fixes them?”

Coworker: *through walkie* “You mean a magic wand?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m afraid nobody has heard of it. I’m sorry, I would try [Big Store #1] or [Big Store #2]. Maybe they carry it.”

Their Computer Experience Is Green

| UK | Technology

(I’m working on the IT helpdesk of the store I work in when I get a customer call in.)

Customer: “I bought a laptop there yesterday and now it’s broken. What do I do to fix it?”

Me: “Could you please describe how it’s broken?”

Customer: “It’s green.”

Me: “Green?”

Customer: “Green.”

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “It’s green!”

Me: “So the casing is green?”

Customer: “I don’t know what that is. Why aren’t you helping me?”

Me: “I’m trying to, madam. Could you please describe what exactly is green?”

Customer: “It… it’s just green.”

Me: “Okay. Are you able to turn the laptop over and tell me what the information on the back is?”

(She reads me the information and I check the model. It isn’t available in green so I’m at a loss as to what she is describing, until I notice the laptop I have been working on through the day.)

Me: “Is it green on the front, like a small light?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Was it a different colour before?”

Customer: “Orange! I like orange. Can it be orange again?”

Me: “And is it connected to a live plug?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Madam?”

Customer: “A… what?”

Me: *while praying she knows what this means* “Is it… charging?”

Customer: “Like my iPhone? Yes, it is!”

Me: “Well, it’s doing what your iPhone does when you charge it up. The green light is when it’s fully charged.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Do you understand?”

Customer: “I think so. So when can you fix it?”

Me: “There’s nothing wrong with it. That is what the laptop is designed to do.”

Customer: “But I want the orange!”

Me: “If you take it off charge and use it for a while, then charge it up again, it will be orange again for a short time.”

Customer: “It will?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh, my God! It’ll be like a Christmas present only all year round! Thank you so much!” *hangs up*

Not Getting A RAW Deal

| MA, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology

(I just recently finished my Master’s from a prestigious college. I still work for this retailer since student loans payments are high and they actually pay me good money at this store, working in the photo center, since I have been there for many years and the job market in my field is lacking at the moment.)

Customer: “Why are my pictures all blurry?”

Me: “The resolution of the photo was not high enough to be printed clearly.”

Customer: “These are professional photos taken by a PROFESSIONAL. They are of the highest quality possible.”

Me: “How did this professional send them to you.”

Customer: “By email.”

(This happens a lot and few know that with certain emailing services, they will compress the photo being sent in order for it to email properly. Basically, emailing even a “professional photo” will ruin the quality. I explain this to the customer.)

Customer: “Yes but this is by a professional. He knows what he’s doing and what he’s talking about, unlike you.”

Me: “Ma’am, I have a Bachelor’s degree in Photography and a Masters from one of the best universities in the country in Digital Curation and Preservation. With all due respect, I KNOW what I am talking about.”

Customer: “If you had those degrees you wouldn’t be working here. I don’t believe you. You guys are just doing a crappy job printing my professional wedding photos.”

Me: “The reason why I am working here is none of your concern. I am trying to explain to you why your photos are not coming out clear. We have a PROFESSIONAL printer. It is not our fault they came out this way. If you would just contact your photographer and have them put it on a flash drive or CD, the quality will be much better and we can print them.”

Customer: “Clearly you have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to professional photography. I am going to the drugstore down the street to print these.”

(Let’s see if she finds someone who knows what they are talking about there!)

A New Line Of Enquiry

| Kent, England, UK | Technology

(I answer the phone.)

Customer: “I bought a laptop from you three weeks ago.”

Me: “Okay…” *expecting customer to say there is a problem*

Customer: “I’m filling in an online form and I need to tick a box. How do I tick it?”

Me: *barely containing laughter* “On the touchpad at the bottom there are two buttons. You need to move the cursor over the tick box and click the left button.”

Customer: “But there aren’t two buttons, only a line.”

The Customer Strikes Back

| CA, USA | Technology

(I’ve finally gotten around to playing the video game, ‘Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.’ Since I’ve never played before, I talk to all the characters standing and walking around. In the cantina on the starting world, I have an encounter with one of the patrons.)

Woman: “Where did you get those clothes, a trash compactor in the lower city? And where are those drinks we ordered?”

Real Me: “Wow, rude little brat.”

Me In Game: “Who are you and why are you bossing me around?”

Woman: “Why is the help here so incompetent? One word from daddy and I could get you fired!”

Real Me: “Holy crap, it’s a virtual Not Always Right story.”

Me In Game: “I don’t even work here!”

Woman: “How dare you speak to me like that? Daddy’s going to hear about this!” *runs off*

Real Me: “Okay, this was some impressive realism for a Star Wars game.”

(Later, when I left the cantina, she showed back up and set some thugs on me. I shot down her thugs Han Solo style, and she ran off screaming for daddy. It’s a good thing most real life stories don’t go that far!)

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