Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

There Is No Code For Common Sense

| Boston, MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Company] tech support. What’s your problem?”

Caller: “I’ll just run you through the story. I got locked out of my apartment, but my friend is still inside. I tried calling him, but his phone is either off, on Do Not Disturb, or something. Anyway, I’ve tried remotely SSHing our desktop computer from my laptop and using the say command to get the computer to tell him to unlock the door. Unfortunately the volume is too low. I tried Googling how to increase it via the command line, but I found nothing. Is there a way to do that?”

Me: “I take it the doorbell doesn’t work?”

Caller: *click*

Chewing Them Out About Being Chewed Out

| The Netherlands | Pets & Animals, Technology

(It is around 2002. We just bought a gerbil and it is a fast one. She escapes many times. My dad is trying to access the Internet, but it won’t connect. He is mostly a patient man. He calls the provider and has quite an argument with the person on the phone.)

Dad: “I checked it all! It should be working; are you sure you have done it all?”

Customer Service Desk: “Yes, sir, everything at our end is working perfectly fine. Our system is showing is that your Internet should be working.”

Dad: “But it isn’t! Are you really sure? Aren’t you looking at our neighbours or something?!”

Customer Service Desk: “No, sir, it should be working.”

Dad: “Fine, I’ll call you back…”

(Agitated as he was, he started looking at every part of the connection until he found a cable chewed up. The gerbil managed to bite the Internet cable in half… Later he called the provider to apologise.)

It Definitely Seems Like Their First Time

| PE, Canada | Technology

(I work in a call center doing tech support for a cable/Internet/home phone company, usually on night shifts.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] technical support. My name is [My Name]. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, hi, I was trying to order a pay-per-view movie and it will not let me”

Me: “I am very sorry about that. Let’s bring up your account so I can assist you further.”

(Once I bring up the account I look over the account to see if it is suspended or if there are any notes or blocks preventing them from ordering a pay-per-view movie.)

Me: “Thank you. Everything regarding your account seems to be in order. Are you getting any error messages?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “All right, may I have the name of the pay-per-view movie you are trying to order?”

(At this point I here a bunch of shuffling on the line.)

Customer: *directed to a female in the room with him* “You tell her..”

Female: “No, you tell her…”

Customer: *still directed to the female* “Fine.”

(More shuffling and then a sigh.)

Customer: “Couples Try Porn For The First Time.”

(At this point I am holding back my laughter.)

Me: “Thank you. May I place you on hold while I see if there is something preventing more than just you from ordering this tonight.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you.”

(Once on hold I go tell my manager about the chat, who agrees that we cannot look that up on one of the main TVs we use to help customers on calls. So instead, still laughing, I go back to my desk and pull myself together to continue the call, skipping that step.)

Me: “Thank you so much for holding. So you are sure you are not getting any error message?”

Customer: “No, there is none.”

Me: “All right. What I am going to get you to do to is try and order the pay-per-view movie again, this time with me on the line. Can you please go into [Cable Service Guide] and click on pay-per-view, then movies and try to order this again?”

Customer: “Sure.” *after about two minutes* “It is asking for a PIN.”

(We have an option to set up a PIN on channels and services so that younger children or others in the home cannot access or order them.)

Me: “Great! Please enter the security PIN you have previously set up!”

Customer: “I didn’t set one up.”

(Whispers from the female in the room.)

Customer: “Oh, right. Yes, we do have a PIN! Okay, we ordered it!”

Me: “Wonderful. Is there anything else I can assist you with tonight?”

Customer: “No. Thanks!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. Have a great night!”

Customer: “Oh, we will!” *click*

Placing An Ad In The Daily Prophet

| NM, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

(I answer the phone.)

Customer: “I sent you the file for my ad. Were you able to open it?”

Me: “I don’t see anything in the email except your signature. Are you sure you sent it?”

Customer: “Yes! It’s the running bird!”

Me: “The animated gif file in your signature?”

Customer: “That’s the one.”

Me: “This is a print shop. I can’t even begin to explain why this won’t print.”

Customer: “There are moving billboards now. Aren’t those printed? Do what the billboards do.”

Hand-Washing Your Hand Of This Customer

| Dallas, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

(I was working in a popular discount home decor/supply store at the returns/exchanges desk when a woman approaches with an obviously more than used frying pan.)

Me: “Hello, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I want to return this pan; it’s horrible!”

Me: “Okay, well, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Of course not! I bought it six years ago!”

Me: “Hmm, well, it doesn’t have any of the original packaging, and with no receipt, there’s really not much I can do here. Do you remember what you paid for it originally?”

(At this point, I’m really just trying to be as nice as I can. Maybe there’s some way I can figure out store credit or something, but I doubt it.)

Customer: “Not that it’s any of your business, but it was six dollars!”

Me: “Really? You bought it six years ago, for six dollars, and you expect it to still be in good condition after years of repeated use?”

Customer: “Those were six hard earned dollars, and I expect them back! This pan is a piece of crap! It should still be under warranty, though!”

Me: “Ma’am, I think they only offer warranties on cookware in a much higher price range.”

(For my own home, I only buy high quality cookware — I would never buy anything from the store I work at and expect it to last longer that a couple of months — so I am familiar with the warranty policies on some of the better known brands of cookware, not that I can even tell the brand without the packaging!)

Customer: “Well, there should be a warranty on this pan. It’s a piece of crap! And you need to refund my money. I shop here all the time!”

Me: *finally giving up* “Ma’am, there’s not much you can expect from a six dollar pan. The fact that you got six years out of it is frankly unbelievable! This is about the best six dollar pan I’ve ever seen. Besides which, there’s no proof you bought it here, as there’s no packaging, and no receipt. I’d be happy to show you where we stock the new pans.”


Me: *clueing in on how to end this* “Ma’am, this is a Teflon coated pan. May I ask how you washed it?”

Customer: “The dishwasher. What do I look like, an idiot?”

Me: “Ma’am, Teflon is handwash only; washing it in the dishwasher would void the warranty.”

Customer: “Oh, god d*** it!”

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