Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

Worse Than The Yes Men Are The Yes/No Men

| Banbury, England, UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

(It’s a late night shift, Friday, around nine pm. It’s fairly quiet tonight and I don’t have much to do. After a while occupying myself around the store a heavily-accented Eastern European man comes up to the counter.)

Customer: “Scotch whiskey?”

Me: “Yup, we have a selection of spirits behind the counter.”

(I turn to show him the cabinet behind me.)

Me: “For scotch whiskeys we have [Brand #1]—”

Customer: *interrupting, in a panicked tone* “NO!”

(I pause, expecting him to continue or elaborate, after a moment he seems to relax.)

Me: “[Brand #2]?”

Customer: *seemingly scared* “NO!”

(Pause again.)

Me: “[Brand #3?]”

(He nods; I take the bottle and scan it through.)

Me: “That’ll be [price].”

(He displays a card inserts it into the machine. We go through the steps and come to entering his PIN code. He presses three numbers then stares at me.)

Me: “Your PIN code should be four numbers.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You only pressed three.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *baffled* “You should have pressed four numbers, then the enter key.”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: *starting to see where this is going* “You should have pressed five buttons in total. Four numbers, then the green enter key.”

Customer: “Yes.”

(This continued for a while. A queue of angry and confused customers was starting to build. After several minutes of this same back-and-forth he eventually huffed and said something I couldn’t understand, threw up his hands and walked out and left the bottle behind.)

Can’t Transfer Through Their Thick Skull

| Rogue River, OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Technology

(I am the receptionist for a company that sells moisture meters. When a customer calls, they get an automated message saying the name of the company and what we offer before they reach me.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “Hi, I have a tree in my front yard that I need removed.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I believe you have the wrong number. We offer moisture meters for wood and concrete here.”

Caller: “Okay. Well can’t you just transfer me to someone who can help?”

Me: “I’m sorry but I don’t have anyone here that can help you. You’ll have to call a different company.”

Caller: “Okay. But can’t you just TRANSFER me to someone who can help.”

Me: “I don’t have any way of doing that.”

Caller: “Well, I have a tree in my yard that I need to have removed. Who do I need to call?”

Me: “I’m not sure because we sell moisture meters for wood and concrete here.”

Caller: “Well, do you know of a company that I can call?”

(Obviously this lady doesn’t understand that she’s called a business and I’m getting nowhere so I change the approach.)

Me: “Where are you located?”

Caller: *some city far away from where I am*

Me: “Okay, we’re located in Rogue River, Oregon, and I’m not familiar with your town so I don’t know who to direct you to.”

Caller: “OKAY. But can’t you just TRANSFER me to someone who can?!”

Me: “Ma’am. I am the receptionist for a company that sells moisture meters. I am not an operator that can direct you to any other number.”

Caller: “Ohhhhhhhhh. Okay. So then transfer me to the operator. Thank you!”

Should Have Called Ahead For Duty

| Santa Ana, CA, USA | Technology

Me: *answering the phone* “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for the game Call of Duty.”

Me: “Um… sure which one?”

Customer: “I don’t know! Black something!”

Me: “Oh Black Ops! For which console?”

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW! IT’S BLACK SOMETHING! NINTENDO!”

Me: “Okay, for the Wii or DS?”

Customer: “YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST, F*** YOU!” *hangs up*

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 24

| Jacksonville, FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(A customer walks in with a PSP he purchased recently from our store.)

Customer: “My PSP won’t connect to the Internet. Keeps giving me an error.”

Me: “Huh, weird. You have a good connection to your wifi right?”

Customer: “Wifi?”

Me: “Yeah, your wireless Internet. What’s the signal strength when you try to connect?”

(Customer looks at me like I’m from Mars.)

Me: “You do have Internet at home right?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, you need to have the Internet at home in order to be able to use the Internet.”

Customer: “I just thought the Internet came with the PSP when I bought it.”

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 23
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 22
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 21

The Computer Has A Lot Of Bugs

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Technology

(We take calls from people who’ve purchased protection plans..)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Team]! My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, uh, I got a message from y’all’s service center that said they can’t repair my [Console].”

Me: “Oh, gosh, sorry about that. Mind if I put you on hold for a quick minute or two? I’ll see what notes they’ve left on that.”

(I put the caller on hold and when I check his file, the service center first told us that it was “unsanitary” to repair. When I keep reading, I find out that the center refused to service the Console because of a cockroach infestation. I took an extra 30 seconds to compose myself and try to find a way to gently break this to the customer.)

Me: “Hi! Thanks for holding; sorry for the wait. Um, there’s no easy way to say this but, uh… the service center denied repairs because it was unsanitary.”

Customer: “What? What does that mean?”

Me: “They said that there was a… cockroach… infestation.”

(The customer stays silent for a little while. It’s important to note that the customer originally filed a claim because the Consoleq was overheating.)

Customer: “Well, uh… what, what if I cleaned it out? Can I send it back in then?”

Me: “Well, I’m not entirely sure we’d be able to accept that, but you can certainly try! Maybe that’ll even solve your heating issue.”

(Customer thanked me and hung up. A few weeks later, one of my coworkers got a call from the same guy. They had to forward the call to our supervisor, who then proceeded to tell him that unless he could send us a copy of the invoice from when the Console was professionally cleaned, we would continue to refuse service on his infested Console!)

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