Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

IMEI Oh My

| UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

Customer: “My phone is completely dead. I can’t do anything with it”

Me: “Does it have a removable battery?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please remove it as I need to check the IMEI number?”

Customer: “But that will disconnect the call.”

A Bad App-raisal Of The Situation

| Chicago, IL, USA | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I bought an eBook from your website, but I can’t read it on my tablet.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see what we can do. What sort of tablet do you have? Is it Apple or Android?”

Customer: “It’s a [high end Android]. My son bought it for me.”

Me: “Nice. And when you open up [Our App], does the book appear there?”

Customer: “No, it’s not in my library.”

Me: “You say you purchased the eBook from our website. Are you sure the account information you used when you purchased it is the same as your app is registered under?”

Customer: “Um, yes? I can’t imagine that I would have more than one account with you.”

Me: “And other books work just fine?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Have you tried syncing your library?”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “Open the app and hit the refresh button. It’s a circular arrow in the bottom left.”

Customer: “I don’t have that.”

Me: “That’s weird. What do you see?”

Customer: *describes a screen which sounds suspiciously like our competitor’s app*

Me: “Sir, what app do you use to read your eBooks?”

Customer: “I use my library.”

Me: “Yes, sir, your books appear in the library screen of the app, but which app do you use? Are you using [Our App] or [Competitor’s App]?”

Customer: “I use the app on my tablet.”

Me: “Okay, where do you normally buy your eBooks?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The eBooks currently in your library which you are able to read. Which website were you on when you bought them? [Our website] or [Competitor’s website]?”

Customer: “[Competitor’s website]. They have lots of good deals.”

Me: “All right sir, I’ve figured out the problem. You purchased an [our format] eBook from our website. That book is not compatible with [Competitor’s App]. You’ll have to download [Our App] in order to read it.”

Customer: “But I already paid for it.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, sir. The book is yours. The app is available as a free download both on our website and from the Play Store. It only takes a minute.”

Customer: “My books always show up in my library when I buy them. Why doesn’t this one?”

Me: “I know it’s confusing, sir. [Our Company] sells [Our eBook Readers], and [Competitor] sells [Competitor’s eBook Readers]. EBooks bought from [Our Company] can only be read on [Our eBook Readers] or [Our App], just as [Competitor]’s eBooks can only be read on their products.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. I paid for this book.”

Me: “Yes, sir, and it is yours. But the app you are using is made and run by [Competitor]. You bought this book from us. [Competitor] has no way of knowing that you bought this book, so they can’t put it into the app on your tablet.

Customer: Can you call them and tell them I bought it? Then they’ll know.”

Me: “I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, sir. But again, you can download [Our App] for free and read the book you purchased.”

Customer: “Okay, so you guys have your own books and your own app thing, and [Competitor] has their own books and their own app, and they don’t work together at all?”

Me: “Yes sir. That’s absolutely correct. A little complicated, I know.”

Customer: “So how do I get your app so I can read my book?”

Me: “The same way you got [Competitor’s App]. Open the Play Store, search for [Our App], and download it. Once it installs you’ll have to enter your email address and password. Then your book will appear in your library. We’ll give you a couple additional titles for free.”

Customer: “My tablet’s library?”

Me: “No, sorry, the library in [Our App].”

Customer: “So when I want to read this book I’ll need to open your app, and when I want to read my other books I’ll need to open [Competitor’s App]?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, I suppose I can handle that. When should I expect my app to arrive?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “The app that you’re sending me in the mail. When will it be here?”

Me: “The… mail? You know what, sir? I think you should come into our store. Can you drop by tomorrow?”

(And I made d*** sure I was not around when he came in!)

Putting The Terror Into Terabytes

| Extra Stupid, Technology

(A customer walks in and grabs a 3 GB USB stick from the rack and brings it to the counter.)

Me: “Afternoon, sir.”

Customer: “Yes, hello. Can you help me? What can I do with this?”

Me: “Umm… you can store files on this device using a computer.”

Customer: “Files?”

Me: “Yeah, pictures, text, movies, music. Anything.”

Customer: “And Google-ing?”

Me: “If you mean the Internet, no. You’ll need a bigger USB stick.”

(The customer grabs a 32 GB stick.)

Me: “Eh. Right, that was sarcastic. You’ll need millions and millions of USB sticks for that.”

Customer: “There are only 20 on the rack.”

Me: “What I’m trying to say is that it is impossible to copy the Internet to a USB stick.”

Customer: “Oh. What about a floppy?”

Me: “Those are outdated and store even less than a USB stick.”

Customer: “But can I store a ‘Internet’ on it?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “I want the manager.”

Me: “I am the manager.”

(The customer stormed off.)

Missed Out On The iFad

| UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “[Support], how can I help?”

Customer: “My iPad won’t connect to the wifi in the hotel!”

Me: “Okay, any error messages?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “Okay, I need your MAC address to see if you’re associated with our network. Go to settings/general/wifi address.”

Customer: “I don’t have general.”

Me: “Okay, you should have. Settings/general. Fourth option down?”

Customer: “No, not there.”

Me: “What have you got?”

Customer: “Settings/more networks.”

Me: “You sure it’s an iPad?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s got Samsung on the back!”

Sanity Unplugged

| Detroit, MI, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(A customer in what sounds to be her forties calls in for having trouble with her TV.)

Me: “So, let’s start by doing a reboot. Can you please unplug the furthest cord on the left for 10 seconds then plug it back in?”

Customer: “Okay, I don’t know why I HAVE to do this; you should come over and do this.”

Me: *jokingly* “Ha ha. Well, I would but you live in Texas and I am in Michigan.”

Customer: “So? I am the customer; you should do what I say!”

Me: “Ma’am, it would take me a week to get to you. Now, can I just get you to plug the cord back in to see if we can get it working?”

Customer: “Where do I plug it in?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Where it was unplugged from: the far left slot. You can’t miss it.”

Customer: “Okay, but where is that?”

Me: *at this point I’m not in the mood for this level of dumb* “Oh, well, it looks like your line is damaged and will need a technician. This is why your TV wasn’t working. How about if I get a technician out there?”

Customer: “Must have been my dead husband. He’s been haunting me for years.”

Me: “So… 8-12 tomorrow morning?”

Customer: “That would be great. Thanks dear, and don’t forget, masturbation is a sin!”

(I got an extra break after that call because I couldn’t stop laughing.)