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Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

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MRI: Moronically Resisting Information

| USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Technology, Trigger Story

(I work in an outpatient medical imaging facility where we do MRIs, X-rays, ultrasounds, etc. Every exam we do must be ordered by a physician. These physicians oftentimes don’t know the machinery like we do and sometimes answer their patients’ questions incorrectly. For reference: an MRI machine is a long tube with both ends being open. An open MRI machine is open on three sides and is easier for claustrophobic patients to handle. This patient calls in with some questions before her exam.)

Patient: “My doctor told me your machine was an open MRI.”

Me: “I’m sorry; he was mistaken. Our machine is the regular tube-like kind.”

Patient: “But he said it was open!”

Me: *knowing this doctor knows our machine is not the open kind* “I’m sorry, but it’s not. I don’t know why he would have told you that.”

Patient: “I’m severely claustrophobic! I can’t be in a tube!”

Me: “I understand. I’d recommend talking to your doctor about taking some kind of sedation. Most of our claustrophobic patients can get through their exam when they’ve taken a mild sedative beforehand. Your doctor would need to prescribe that for you.”

Patient: “But he said it was an open MRI!”

Me: “Yes… I understand he said that, but I’m sorry. It’s not.”

Patient: “I’m claustrophobic! I can’t go in that little tube!”

Me: “You could go to [Local Hospital] and have your MRI there. They can do complete sedation, which is unfortunately something we do not offer. Again, you would need to talk to your doctor about that.”

Patient: “But he specifically told me your machine was an open MRI! I can’t do the tube!”

(We go on in circles like this for a few minutes, she saying her doctor told her our machine was open and me reiterating that it isn’t. Finally, I get fed up.)

Me: “Ma’am, we’re not going to make you have this exam. If you feel you can’t handle our machine, we are not going to force you to get into it. I’ve told you it is not an open MRI and I’ve given you several options for handling your claustrophobia during the exam. I don’t know what it is you want me to do.”

Patient: “My doctor said your machine is an open MRI!”

Me: *head-desk*

 

Dear readers! This story was originally submitted without a title, to encourage you to come up with a witty submission yourselves. After considering the many amazing suggestions in the comments section, we have come up with the title above. Thank you all for participating; we had a blast reading them!

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His Bigotry Is Self-Server-ing

| USA | Bigotry, Technology

(I work tech support configuring whitebox systems (computers built from parts bought separately). A customer wants a server built that will support a discontinued Microsoft operating system. I’m female and so is the caller.)

Me: “I designed the server for you but the manufacturer won’t certify that these parts will work with the operating system you want to use.”

Customer: “Well, I spent a lot of money on this software years ago and I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Me: “Unfortunately, no one wants to spend time or money supporting a discontinued OS. You can purchase the server and try to install it, but you may not be successful getting it to work.”

Customer: “Who can tell me that it will work?”

Me: “That would be me. And I can’t tell you it will work because no one writes drivers for the software you’ve got.”

Customer: “I want to talk to someone qualified to tell me that it will work.”

Me: “I’m qualified. I’ve been doing this for over 10 years. I assure you that no one will certify it.”

Customer: “Let me talk to someone who isn’t like you.”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: “You know, a girl. I want to talk to a man.”

Me: “…Let me transfer you.”

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Trial By Redial

| England, UK | Extra Stupid, Popular, Technology

(Apparently I have a “posh” phone voice, so I’m tasked with answering the phone if the receptionist is out.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [My Name] at [Company]. How can I assist?”

Caller: “Yes, hello. Do you have any two-by-four [wood]?”

Me: “Sorry, I think you have the wrong number. This is a laboratory company. You have called [Company].”

Caller: *an older voice answers* “Oh, is this not [Lumber Yard]?”

Me: “No, this is [Company]. We don’t have anything to do with lumber.”

Caller: “Oh, err, sorry.” *hangs up*

(My MD gives me the strangest look, shakes his head before getting back to work. The phone rings again.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [My Name] at [Company]. How can I assist?”

Caller: “Can I speak to [Name that doesn’t work here]?”

Me: “Sorry, nobody works at [Company] by that name.”

Caller: “Is this [Lumber Yard]?”

Me: “No, this is [Company].”

Caller: *click*

(The phone rings instantly.)

Me: “Okay, look. This is still [My Name], still at [Company]. You must have just hit redial.”

Caller: “Well of course I did, I was trying to reach [Company] lumber.”

Me: “Yes, I understand, but very clearly you. Need. To ring. A. different. Number.”

Caller: *click*

(I start to feel bad, even concerned that I might get in trouble, as my MD is quite strict and a professional, when… the phone rings again, same number.)

MD: *shouting from the other side of the office* “Is that the same guy?”

(I nod.)

MD: *answering the phone* “Yes… Yes… No, no problem… Any time… Of course… Bye.”

Me: *confused* “I could of sworn that was—”

MD: “Oh, it was. He is now expecting a lorry of wood at two o’clock tomorrow.”

(I forgot about it until the next day. The receptionist had a very confusing phone call to deal with.)

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How Do I Get One Of Them Internets?

| PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I’m cashiering at a discount department store, and one of our duties involves answering the phones.)

Me: “Hi, we’re having a great day at [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “What’s the number for online shopping?”

Me: “You mean customer service for the online store?”

Customer: “No, which number do I call to shop online?”

Me: “There… there isn’t one. You have to go online.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have to go on the Internet to do online shopping. That’s how it works. Do you have a computer?”

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Worse Than The Yes Men Are The Yes/No Men

| Banbury, England, UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

(It’s a late night shift, Friday, around nine pm. It’s fairly quiet tonight and I don’t have much to do. After a while occupying myself around the store a heavily-accented Eastern European man comes up to the counter.)

Customer: “Scotch whiskey?”

Me: “Yup, we have a selection of spirits behind the counter.”

(I turn to show him the cabinet behind me.)

Me: “For scotch whiskeys we have [Brand #1]—”

Customer: *interrupting, in a panicked tone* “NO!”

(I pause, expecting him to continue or elaborate, after a moment he seems to relax.)

Me: “[Brand #2]?”

Customer: *seemingly scared* “NO!”

(Pause again.)

Me: “[Brand #3?]”

(He nods; I take the bottle and scan it through.)

Me: “That’ll be [price].”

(He displays a card inserts it into the machine. We go through the steps and come to entering his PIN code. He presses three numbers then stares at me.)

Me: “Your PIN code should be four numbers.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You only pressed three.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *baffled* “You should have pressed four numbers, then the enter key.”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: *starting to see where this is going* “You should have pressed five buttons in total. Four numbers, then the green enter key.”

Customer: “Yes.”

(This continued for a while. A queue of angry and confused customers was starting to build. After several minutes of this same back-and-forth he eventually huffed and said something I couldn’t understand, threw up his hands and walked out and left the bottle behind.)

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