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Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

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An Idiot Combo

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology

(Most of the burgers offered by the chain restaurant I work at come in a combo. We are required to ask whether customers want a small, medium, or large combo, although many of them tend to be confused at the combo sizes.)

Customer: *in a foreign accent* “I want a number two combo.”

Me: “Certainly; what size would you like for your combo to be: small, medium, or lar—”

Customer: *getting irritated* “What are you talking about? What is in the number two combo?”

Me: “It comes with fries, and a drink of your choice.”

(The customer suddenly turns and walks away to the back of the line, and not knowing what he had in mind, I clear his order and take the orders of several other customers before facing him again.)

Customer: “What language do you speak?”

Me: “English?”

Customer: *raging* “Then why are you too stupid to understand my order? I just want a number two burger and a big [Soda]!”

Me: “So that’ll be a large [Soda] for you?”

Customer: “No! I want a small [Soda]! I am much smarter than you!”

Me: “Is that so? All right.” *points to debit card reader* “Please swipe your card to begin processing the transaction.”

Customer: *stares blankly at card reader* “What is this? How am I supposed to use this?”

Me: “If you are much smarter than me, you should be able to figure this out with no problem.”

(The customer continued to ramble on in unintelligible grunts and mumbles until I helped him finish processing the transaction. He took his meal and left without giving me any further trouble.)

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Time To Coin An Idiotic Phrase

| Marion, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

(I work at a grocery store as a bagger. Part of my duties include gathering the shopping carts from the parking lot and bringing them back to the store lobby. I am doing this when I am hailed by a man standing beside the drink vending machines on the store sidewalk/porch.)

Man: “Can you help me? How do you get this thing to work? I can’t get it to work. I already put in three quarters.”

(I go over and see him press the drink dispense button. Nothing dispenses, so I look up to the display where it shows the price – it says “Sold out.”)

Me: “Sir, it looks like that one is sold out. Is there another one you might want to get?”

Man: “Well, the strawberry or peach.”

(I press those, and note that it still says “Sold out.”)

Me: “Um… hm. Those appear to be sold out as well…”

Man: “Well, any of them. I put in my quarters.”

(I proceed to press all them, checking after each one that they are ALL “Sold out.”)

Me: “Uh, well, since they’re all sold out, I think this lever here is the coin return.”

(I push down the coin return, don’t hear anything, check to confirm that it didn’t return his money, and then try again a few more times to no avail. The store will give refunds to customers when the machines eat their money, so I prepare to instruct him on going up to the front desk to get his 75 cents back.)

Me: “Huh, it’s not giving you your change back. Well, sir, since it isn’t working, what I would do is go inside and—”

Man: “It didn’t even take my money!”

Me: “What…?”

Man: “See, look! You can see the quarters just sitting there!”

(He points. Our vending machines have a lock cover, a piece of metal that has a vertical rectangular hole that connects with a prong to keep people from accessing the lock and getting inside the machine. There is a small gap between the edge of the hole and the prong on this particular machine, and he has placed all three quarters side by side in this gap. These quarters are clearly visible now that I know where to look, but they aren’t accessible.)

Me: “Uh…” *I try to pry the latch unsuccessfully. I spot a coworker nearby* “Are you going inside?”

Coworker: “Yeah, why?”

Me: “This man has put his money in the lock cover instead of the coin slot. Could you get someone to come out and help him get it when you go in?”

Coworker: *look of disbelief* “Yeah.”

Me: “Sir, someone will be out to help you get your money.”

(I return to collecting shopping carts. I see one of the managers come out a minute later. I don’t hear most of the conversation, but I see that he has gotten the latch off and given the man his money. I overhear a little bit.)

Manager: “Well, sir, that’s not the coin slot; that’s just a cover.”

Me: *shaking my head*

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The Router Of All Your Problems

| Germany | Bad Behavior, Popular, Technology

(I get a call from the first support level about a customer who’s complaining about his download speed.)

Me: “Good morning, you’ve reached the DSL diagnostic department of [ISP]. My name is [My Name]. Mr [Caller], I hear your Internet is too slow.”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s right! Way too slow! I pay €40 every month to get 500 MB/s and the only thing I get here is 129 MB/s! Why did they transfer me to you anyway? What can you do?”

Me: “Well, my coworker already did some tests, but I have more tools for a more precise diagnose and more options for fixing your issue, if it’s a line problem.”

Caller: “Hehe, girl power, heh? Didn’t know women get to do so much more than men at [ISP].”

Me: *coldly* “Actually that has more to do with me being second level of support. Now tell me, did you do your speed-test via LAN or WiFi?”

Caller: “WiFi only.”

Me: “Good, and do you have a network cable to try how it is via LAN?”

Caller: “Yes, but it can’t reach my machine.” *condescendingly* “It’s not a laptop; it’s a very expensive iMac. ”

Me: “All right… let me look at your download speed.”

(I proceed to do some tests that show me a stable line with a download speed of 501 MB/s – which means that his problem probably lies with his router or his computer.)

Me: “Mr [Caller], according to my results, your speed is sufficient and even a bit more than promised.”

Caller: “What? You have the NERVE? You—”

Me: “Sir, before you go on – this is what your router gets from our line. I’d take a wild guess and say its wireless module isn’t okay, but a coworker from the device management should take a closer look at your device.”

Caller: “Ah, okay, that makes sense.”

Me: “So, I see you have a [ISP Brand model]; is it on lease?”

Caller: “No. I bought it about a year ago.”

Me: “Great, then it’s still in its 24-month-guarantee—”

Caller: “No, it isn’t. See, I didn’t buy it from you guys; I bought it from some guy on eBay.”

Me: “I don’t know if we’re allowed to diagnose that if it isn’t bought from us.”

Caller: “This is how you serve your customers? Hey, I’ve been with [ISP] for 12 years; I DEMAND SERVICE! You can’t be serious! I pay so much money and now you can’t even fix your own [Brand model]? This is all your fault! I need to speak to your boss, to the CEO, and you’re going to tell him exactly what I said—”

Me: “Sir, let me try and transfer you and see if the coworkers there take it. After that you can talk to whoever you want to.”

(I transfer him.)

Me: “All right, [Coworker], this is a tough case. I think his wireless module isn’t okay. In any case it’ll be nice to take a look at his settings, and probably change a channel or something. There’s one thing, though; he bought his device on eBay and now he’s blaming us for it not working.”

Coworker: “So, he buys it for €5, probably used, from some guy on eBay and now it’s broken… How is this our problem? Transfer him; I’ll explain to him how the world works.”

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The Final Word On Passwords, Part 4

| MS, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I often have to reset passwords on various systems. Because of strict password restrictions, these systems require lowercase, CAPS, numbers, etc. To make it easy on users, we always reset to “Password123” without quotes. This is a very typical phone call:)

Me: “All right, I’ve reset your password. The new password is ‘Password123’ with a capital ‘P’.”

User: “That didn’t work.”

Me: “Are you sure you typed it in correctly? It’s the word ‘Password’ with only the ‘P’ capitalized and the numbers ‘123’ after. There are no spaces.”

User: “No, that still didn’t work. Do I have to type in my username?”

Me: “Yes, you use your same username, and where it asks for the password, it’s ‘Password123’ with the ‘P’ capitalized.”

User: “I know; I’m typing in what you tell me but it isn’t working.”

Me: “Are you sure your CAPS Lock is not on?”

User: “Yes, I’m sure.”

Me: “Can you tell me exactly what you are typing in as you type it?”

User: “p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d-1-2-3-c-a-p-i-t-a-l-p”

Me: “Okay, it isn’t the phrase “capitalp” at the end. The word ‘Password’ has a capitalized letter ‘P’ at the beginning.”

User: “Oh! Okay. P-p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d-1-2-3. Nope, that still didn’t work.”

Related:
The Final Word On Passwords, Part 3
The Final Word On Passwords, Part 2
The Final Word On Passwords

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Failed A Number Of Times

| Whitehorse, YT, Canada | Extra Stupid, Popular, Technology

(My office phone number is the inverse of a shelter, so we get wrong numbers all the time.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Office]. How may I help you?”

Client: “Hi, I need to talk to [Shelter Manager].”

Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. Their number is 1122. Ours is 2211.”

Client: “Is it? Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you!” *hangs up*

(The phone rings 10 seconds later.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Office]. How may I help you?”

Client: “Hi, I need to talk to [Shelter Manager].”

Me: “Hi again! I’m sorry, but you still have the wrong number. Their number is 1122.”

Client: “What? Oh, geez, I called 2211 again! Sorry!” *hangs up*

(The phone rings 10 seconds later.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Office]. How may I help you?”

Client: “Not you again!”

Me: “Yup, me again.”

Client: “Sorry, SORRY!” *hangs up*

(The phone rings 10 seconds later.)

Me: *skipping my normal intro* “Hi, let me guess, still trying for [Shelter Manager] at 1122?”

Client: “SON OF A—” *click*

(The phone rings 10 seconds later.)

Me: “Hi again!”

Client: *loud string of expletives followed by a phone slam*

(The phone rings 10 seconds later.)

Me: “Hi once again!”

Client: *loud ARGH followed by a few seconds of silence* “Can you… please… repeat that number to me… PLEASE?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 1122!”

Client: “Thank you… I am so… SO sorry.” *hangs up*

(I think they got it that time!)

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