Category: Spouses & Partners

Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

Most People At The Checkout Have Already Checked Out

| FL, USA | At The Checkout, Spouses & Partners

(A very friendly couple come up to my jewelry counter and pick out an anniversary piece for the wife. As I’m preparing her necklace, they pass the time by looking through one of the other nearby jewelry cases.)

Wife: *to husband* “What do you think about that pearl necklace, honey?”

Husband: “I don’t know; I wouldn’t be the one wearing it. You said I’m not allowed to wear your pearls anymore.”

Wife: “No, I said you’re not allowed to wear my underwear anymore.”

Husband: *to me* “Never a dull moment in our house.”

Wife: *to me* “We’re just joking, of course.”

Me: “You’d be surprised how many kinds of people come through here, ma’am…”

When Alcoholism Is Contagious

| NJ, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

(My father is moving boxes of ceiling tiles. My dad lifts one up and hits me square in the nose, breaking it. After we check in at the hospital and I get seated at a bed, we witness an older man roll in on a stretcher and begin to talk to his nurse, obviously intoxicated.)

Nurse: “Hi, how are you doing today? My name is [Nurse] and I will be your nurse.”

Man: “Well, I’m doing fine; I just have no idea how I got here.”

Nurse: “It says here you collapsed unconscious. Did you drink any alcohol today?”

Man: “Yes. Yes, I did.”

Nurse: “And how much did you drink?”

Man: “Around two cups of vodka.”

Nurse: “That’s a lot.”

Man: “Yeah, but if you met my wife, you’d know it’s not enough.”

Nurse: *chuckles*

Man: “That’s the best thing about hospitals, you can say whatever you want and no one judges you because you’re sick.”

Nurse: “All right, Mr. Wise-Guy, I need to take your blood pressure.”

Man: “I like you. What is your name again?”

Nurse: “Thank you, it’s [Nurse].”

Man: “Yeah, you have nice tits. I’ll call you [Nurse] with the big tits.” *laughs*

Nurse: “…”

Dad: *under his breath* “If we are going to be here any longer, I’ll need a drink myself…”

A Passport For Bad Behavior

| London, England, UK | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

(I am working over the Christmas holidays in a very fancy shop, so much so that it is a pretty famous tourist destination. An American woman in her sixties comes in wearing a long black fur coat, fur hat, and various gold rings – the epitome of glamour. She starts looking at our most expensive leather wallets.)

Me: “Hi, are you looking for anything in particular?”

Customer: “I need a wallet for my husband.”

Me: “Any particular kind?”

Customer: “It has to be large enough to fit a passport. He has to carry it everywhere now because he can’t use his driving license as identification any more. The cops took it away when they found him doing 150 miles per hour on the highway.”

(She shakes her head, as if to say ‘what is he like?’, and wanders off.)