Category: Spouses & Partners

Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

Doesn’t Want Any Maca-phoney

| Edwardsville, IL, USA | Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners

(One evening an elderly man comes up to the service desk asking where to find a packet of dried cheese. He insists the cheese is for popcorn and that he knows his wife, who is away visiting family for a few weeks, has purchased it at our store. After a search, I suggest that the next time he is in he could bring the old packet with him and maybe then we can help him find it. He leaves immediately and returns 15 minutes later and comes right up to the service desk.)

Customer: “Had to get it out of the trash, but I found it!” *he holds up a crumpled packet of cheese sauce mix from a box of macaroni and cheese, which as a student I was very familiar with*

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, I’m pretty sure that’s from a macaroni and cheese dinner package.”

Customer: “Well, if it is, that’s what I want. They discontinued the popcorn cheese I liked and I didn’t like any of the others until she found this one. I’ll go get a box and see.”

(He leaves to do his shopping and I don’t see him again until he stops by the service desk on his way out. He smiles as he holds up a new packet of cheese sauce mix.)

Customer: “Thank you for your help! I’ll have to ask her what she does with the macaroni part.”

Missing A Few Brain Cells… And A Husband

| Boston, MA, USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

(I work in the fraud detection department for a major credit union. My job involves making outbound calls to customers to verify out of pattern transactions that have generally already been confirmed to be fraud by our system and closing the card once the customer has been contacted.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] with [Credit Union]. May I please speak with Mr. [Customer]?”

Wife: “He’s my husband; he’s not here right now. Do you want to leave a message?”

(I see the wife isn’t on the account so legally I cannot give her any information.)

Me: “We just need to verify some information with him. Can you ask him to give us a call back?”

Wife: “Well, I don’t know. Have you seen him recently?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Wife: “He hasn’t been home in two months. I think he might be dead. Have you seen him?”

Me: “Um… have you called the police yet?”

Wife: “No, do you think I should?”

Me: “Yes, I do!”

Wife: “Okay, I’ll do that. Bye bye.”

(I then sat in stunned silence for a few minutes.)

Already Failed The Test

| Nottingham, England, UK | Health & Body, Popular, Spouses & Partners

(Whilst waiting to be seen at the eye clinic, the optometrist comes over to a couple in front of us.)

Optometrist: “We need a new retinal scan of your husband’s eyes, Mrs. [Name]. Could you please take this form to room 19 and see the technician who will do the test there.”

(Mrs. [Name] gets up and gathers her things together and starts out of the door.)

Optometrist: “Mrs. [Name]! You need to take your husband with you.”

Mrs. [Name]: “Why? Will he need to be there when they do the test?”

In Line And Out Of Line, Part 11

| Surrey, BC, Canada | Popular, Spouses & Partners

(A married couple are checking out at my till. I’ve scanned everything that they’ve placed on the counter, and I have the total ready for them. All that’s left is for them to pay, and for me to give them their receipt.)

Wife: “Hold on a sec. I need to check something out.”

(The wife walks away from the till to do some more shopping. Her husband and I are just standing at the till, dumbfounded. Seconds turned into minutes, with no conclusion in sight.)

Husband: “All right, honey, I think that’s enough; let’s go.”

(The wife ignores her husband, and keeps shopping.)

Husband: “Honey, will you please come back to the till? Honey? Sweetheart? Babe? Princess? Please come back to the till. You’re keeping the nice man waiting. Honey, there’s a line forming behind us. Honey? Will you please come back? Honey? Honey? Honey? Dear? Sweetheart?”

(After all that, she’s still ignoring him.)

Husband: *to me* “Dude, don’t ever get married. It’ll ruin your life.”

(When the wife did come back, she acted as if she did nothing wrong. The nerve of some people.)

Related:
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 10
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 9
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 8

Something To Shout About

| NC, USA | Bizarre, Popular, Spouses & Partners

(I’m walking into a local grocery store like any other day, when suddenly I hear a guy behind me shout something very loudly and incoherently for no discernible reason. Obviously, this scares the living daylights out of me. I turn around and see two men and a woman walking behind me. The woman, whom I assume to be the older gentleman’s wife, has clearly seen me jump out of my skin and smacks her arm across his chest in a scolding manner. I say nothing and go about my business. Later, as I’m checking out:)

Cashier: “I saw what happened when you came in. You okay?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m fine. A little unnerved, though.”

Cashier: “The guy who yelled at you was getting an earful from his wife when they came in.”

Me: “Well, I’d imagine so…”

Another Cashier: “No, she was PISSED! She said something along the lines of, ‘What the H*** is wrong with you?!’ and ‘You might be a walking heart attack waiting to happen but that doesn’t mean you can give someone else one!’”

(I and the other cashier started laughing. Later I found a note on my windshield saying, “Sorry my idiot husband scared you.”)

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