Category: Spouses & Partners

Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

You’re Like Crazy Beautiful!

| Wichita, KS, USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

(I work in an adult-themed store and it is my very first day after training. I am doing some cleaning after opening the store and my very first customer of the day comes in.)

Customer: “Hey, I’m looking for something fun for my girlfriend.”

Me: “Okay, well, we have a huge selection.”

Customer: *as I’m explaining a toy to him, he interrupts me* “How can you work here and not want to f*** all the time? Oh, hey, do you, haha, test out all the stuff here during downtime?”

Me: “Um. No. No.”

(A while later, I’m ringing him up, thanking him, etc.)

Customer: “I wanna buy you a vibrator. Can I buy you a vibrator?”

Me: “No. I’m married.”

(He leaves without incident, but a few hours later, he comes back, hands me a note, and leaves in a hurry. It said “My name’s [Name] and I think you’re really pretty. You should call or text me.”)

Me: *to myself* “Gee, I thought this guy had a GIRLFRIEND!”

(Over two months later during the Valentine’s Day rush, he comes back. He bought some stuff and left, but then came back a few hours later with his girlfriend!)

Customer: “See, I told you she was pretty!”

Me: “Um, thank you?”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my god, yes; are you married?”

Me: “Yes, I am. I’ve been married for a few years.”

(The girlfriend picks out a wig, which disturbingly is the only one in the store that’s the same color as my hair…)

Girlfriend: *turning to the woman behind her in the checkout line* “OMG, you’re gorgeous! Honey, just look at how beautiful this woman is!”

(At this point, she starts telling everyone else in the store to look at how beautiful this woman is, so I ring her up as quickly as possible and say goodbye. The woman behind them steps up.)

Woman: “The h*** was that?!”

Me: “I don’t even know. They’re crazy; I’m so sorry about that!”

Woman: “No, it’s okay, I just… I’m so confused! At least it was something nice she pointed out.”

(The insane couple insisted they were there all the time… I haven’t seen them since.)

Most People At The Checkout Have Already Checked Out

| FL, USA | At The Checkout, Spouses & Partners

(A very friendly couple come up to my jewelry counter and pick out an anniversary piece for the wife. As I’m preparing her necklace, they pass the time by looking through one of the other nearby jewelry cases.)

Wife: *to husband* “What do you think about that pearl necklace, honey?”

Husband: “I don’t know; I wouldn’t be the one wearing it. You said I’m not allowed to wear your pearls anymore.”

Wife: “No, I said you’re not allowed to wear my underwear anymore.”

Husband: *to me* “Never a dull moment in our house.”

Wife: *to me* “We’re just joking, of course.”

Me: “You’d be surprised how many kinds of people come through here, ma’am…”

When Alcoholism Is Contagious

| NJ, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

(My father is moving boxes of ceiling tiles. My dad lifts one up and hits me square in the nose, breaking it. After we check in at the hospital and I get seated at a bed, we witness an older man roll in on a stretcher and begin to talk to his nurse, obviously intoxicated.)

Nurse: “Hi, how are you doing today? My name is [Nurse] and I will be your nurse.”

Man: “Well, I’m doing fine; I just have no idea how I got here.”

Nurse: “It says here you collapsed unconscious. Did you drink any alcohol today?”

Man: “Yes. Yes, I did.”

Nurse: “And how much did you drink?”

Man: “Around two cups of vodka.”

Nurse: “That’s a lot.”

Man: “Yeah, but if you met my wife, you’d know it’s not enough.”

Nurse: *chuckles*

Man: “That’s the best thing about hospitals, you can say whatever you want and no one judges you because you’re sick.”

Nurse: “All right, Mr. Wise-Guy, I need to take your blood pressure.”

Man: “I like you. What is your name again?”

Nurse: “Thank you, it’s [Nurse].”

Man: “Yeah, you have nice tits. I’ll call you [Nurse] with the big tits.” *laughs*

Nurse: “…”

Dad: *under his breath* “If we are going to be here any longer, I’ll need a drink myself…”

A Passport For Bad Behavior

| London, England, UK | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

(I am working over the Christmas holidays in a very fancy shop, so much so that it is a pretty famous tourist destination. An American woman in her sixties comes in wearing a long black fur coat, fur hat, and various gold rings – the epitome of glamour. She starts looking at our most expensive leather wallets.)

Me: “Hi, are you looking for anything in particular?”

Customer: “I need a wallet for my husband.”

Me: “Any particular kind?”

Customer: “It has to be large enough to fit a passport. He has to carry it everywhere now because he can’t use his driving license as identification any more. The cops took it away when they found him doing 150 miles per hour on the highway.”

(She shakes her head, as if to say ‘what is he like?’, and wanders off.)

Refuses To Walk A Mile In Full Price Shoes

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | At The Checkout, Money, Spouses & Partners

(We are currently having a shoe sale which is ‘buy two and get a third pair half price.’ The sign also states they have to be purchased in the one transaction. A woman comes in; her English is not very good so communication is a little difficult. She has bought two pairs on a previous day and now wants a third pair half price. I try to explain to her about the one transaction rule, but she looks very confused. She is very nice and I feel bad for her. She leaves looking confused and disappointed. Only after do I think of returning the two pairs she previously bought and then selling them back to her together with the discount. A little while later she comes back with her husband, who speaks better English. I’m happy to see her since figuring out a solution, until her husband opens his mouth and is extremely rude.)

Husband: “You need to sell these to my wife at half price like your sign says.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I tried to explain that the deal is—”

Husband: “—I don’t care what the ‘deeeaaalll’  is. My wife bought two shoes so she gets a third pair half price.”

Me: “Okay, I understand. Like I was saying they have to be bought in the same transaction but—”

Husband: “I. DON’T. CARE. You refused to serve my wife. Now you will give them to her half price or I want to see a manager!”

Me: “I’m sorry if I have upset your wife, and I’m happy to help. Just let me just explain first. I can’t override the system but what I can do is—”

Husband: “NO! This is ridiculous.” *he rants for a while longer, then smiles weirdly* “You know what, I just want to return these two shoes for a full refund.” *he then turns and murmurs to his wife* “Then we’ll just buy them back and get the half price.” *sniggers*

Me: *inwardly sighing* “Okay, I can refund them if you like.”

(As I’m doing the refund he is murmuring nasty things under his breath and I’m tempted to refuse service, but I feel bad for his wife so just keep smiling and decide to kill him with kindness. I finish the refund and then straight away put the sale back through with all three items, with the half price included.)

Me: “Sir, the refund is all done.”

Husband: *talking down to me very smugly* “Excellent. Now here is what we’re going to do. I’m going to buy all three of these back, with the half price. What do you think of that?”

Me: “That’s a very good idea, sir. I did try to tell you I could do that for you before. In fact, I’ve already put the sale through for you, I just need you to sign here for your card and I can print the receipt for you.”

(The shock on his face was priceless. I sincerely hope his wife enjoyed those shoes… and found a better husband.)