Category: Spouses & Partners

Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

A Real Life Cookie Monster

| New Zealand | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners

(A middle aged couple comes to my checkout.)

Me: “Hello, how are you?”

Wife: “Fine, thank you.”

Husband: *grumbles*

(I proceed to pack their shopping, when suddenly the male customer starts looking angry.)

Husband: “I think you hate your job! I think you want to quit!”

Me: “Um, no… I quite enjoy it.”

Husband: “Well, you will get fired! You don’t show a proper respect!”

Wife: “Henry, calm down.”

Me: “I don’t know how I offended you, sir.”

Husband: “No, not to me! Show proper respect to those biscuits!”

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Screaming For Ice Cream For Other Reasons

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners, Top

(It is Dickens Faire this weekend, so we have a constant line for ice cream for a good 6 hours straight on Saturday. By Sunday, we only have 4 flavors left; the unavailable ones are covered with lids. A middle-aged couple comes in and looks at the ice cream.

Me: “Hi! The only ice cream we have left are the open ones.”

Husband: “Oh, okay. So just the ones that aren’t covered?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We had a huge rush of people yesterday and sold out of all but those 4 flavors.”

Husband: “Hmmm… I’d like Buttered Pecan on a cone, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any left. We only have the ones that don’t have the lids on them.”

Husband: “Oh… well, how about Coffee?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. We sold out of coffee as well. The only four flavors we have left are Strawberry, Caramel, Strawberry Cheesecake, and Vanilla.”

Husband: “Hmmm… well, I’ll take Mint Chocolate Chip then. In a cone.”

Me: “We don’t have any of that left.”

Husband: “Well what do you have left then?!”

Wife: “She’s told you at least three times already. Only the ones that you can actually see the ice cream in are the ones they have.”

Husband: “But I wanted Buttered Pecan.”

Wife: “Well, too bad. Pick something else!” *to me* “I’ll have the Strawberry Cheesecake in a cup please dear.”

Husband: “I want… Cookies and Cream in a cone.”

Wife: “That’s it. No ice cream for you!”

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Best Put That Topic To Bed

| Nottinghamshire, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Top

(I work in the bedroom department. My job is to approach passers-by and ask about what they’re looking for. A couple I ask takes an interest in a headboard.)

Husband: “That’s no good for us, sweetie.”

Wife: “Why not?”

Husband: “Well…” *looks at me directly* “…there’s nowhere to put the handcuffs!”

(I worked in Ann Summers for a year, and whilst I was unemployed did paid reviews on BDSM and other such toys.)

Me: *smiling sweetly* “To be honest, the under-bed cuffing systems work so much better, especially the German makes. Plus they’re a lot more discreet. But if you’re infrequent users you may want to try bondage tape, it’s a lot cheaper in the long run, and it doesn’t like any visible marks or pulls on hair.”

Husband: *turns red*

Wife: *to her husband* “You had that coming.”

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Marriage Has Grey Areas

| London, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

(I’m at a bookstore, witnessing an exchange taking place between an employee and a middle-aged male customer.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where your copies of 50 Shades of Grey are?”

Employee: “Sure, they’re over there.”

(The customer walks over to the indicated shelf and picks up a copy.)

Customer: “Right, anniversary present… sorted!”

Pop-Corntempt

| WA, USA | Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners

(I have recently broken my foot, and the pain and brace I wear under my shoe causes a pronounced limp. I’m working in concessions on a slow day when an elderly couple approaches to order. Our kettle is popping corn directly behind me, so it’s difficult to hear.)

Me: “Hello, how are you doing today?”

Male Customer: *mumbles inaudibly*

Me: “What can I get started for you?”

Female Customer: “He just ordered a small popcorn.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, of course. Buttery topping?”

Male Customer: *mumbles inaudibly*

Me: “Sorry? Could you repeat that?”

Female Customer: “He said butter!”

Me: “Ah, thank you. Would you like anything to drink with that?”

Female Customer: “Teenagers! You never listen to a word anyone says! He already ordered a small coke!”

(I’m 24, but I brush off the comment about my age as it’s a common mistake.)

Me: “I apologize, it’s difficult for me to hear for the corn popping.”

(I proceed to collect the ordered items, limping as usual. I overhear the woman mumbling, but think little of it.)

Me: “Here you are, can I get any candy or anything else for you?”

Female Customer: “If you’re done shuffling about so lazily, I’d like you to ring me up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I broke my foot recently. I was moving as fast as I could under the circumstances.”

Female Customer: “Right, uh huh. Whatever excuse you need. Lazy teenagers.”

(I complete the transaction, and go about various tasks as soon as they leave, trying to hide my obvious annoyance. After a few minutes, the man returns and leans way over the counter with a serious frown. I nervously shuffle over.)

Me: “Welcome back, how can I help you?”

Male Customer: “I just wanted to apologize about my hag of an old wife. She’s got some sort of stick crammed up there, and it sure ain’t mine!”

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